People Like My Analogies

Before I get out of here, a lot of people like my analogies and things like 'madder than a skinhead watching The Jeffersons' and things like that so... I figured I'd give you a bunch of 'em and you can tell me if you like 'em or not. You can take these home and try 'em at work. I'm sure, uh, sure you won't have a job tomorrow if you do. (laughs) Try some of these. Alright.

Madder than a queer with tonsillitis on Valentine's Day.

More frustrated than an Amish electrician.

Madder than Jеsse Jackson at the airport having to answer thе white courtesy phone. (laughs) That's funny. I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!

(laughs) More frustrated than a carload of queers getting pulled over for doing a 69 in a 55. (raucous applause) We can edit that out. (laughs)

More frustrated than Ray Charles with a Where's Waldo book.

As ridiculous as a one-legged man in a brewery making hops.

More frustrated than a fella making love to a gal with braces on and her face sticks to the carpet. Lord, I apologize for that last one there, and be with the pygmies down there in New Guinea. Amen.

More frustrated than a waterhead putting on a turtleneck shirt.

Madder than a feller with a hangover waking up with a fat woman and a mouthful of flour. Lord, I apologize for that one there, too, and be with the pygmies down there in New Guinea. Amen. (laughs)

I'm so mad I could swallow gunpowder and two bullets, eat a chalupa, take off my britches, lay on my back, spread my asscheeks, fart and drop a deer from a hundred yards.

More frustrated than Christopher Reeve doing the hokey-pokey.

Lord, I apologize for that joke there, and be with the pygmies- Hey, thanks a lot, y'all! You've been a lot of fun! Thanks for coming out and seeing me! God bless America and Git-R-Done!