Let Me Eat Your Shorts

I do have a healthy dating life. I enjoy the women. I went out with this big ol' gal one time. 400 pounds. But she was from Canada, so she's really about 350 American, around in there, 340... I don't know what the fat exchange ratio is nowadays. 3-something. We was laying in bed there one night. I'm sweating, you know? I hear her go, 'Steamroller!' Oh, damn. Here she come, rolling over the top of me. Ugh, I looked like Wile E. Coyote after a cliff fall. Yeah, shе had a sexy voice, though. We was making lovе one night and she says, uh, '[makes squealing pig noises]' (laughs) I didn't know what to say to that! I was like, '[mimics an auctioneer]' (laughs) Sold! Git-R-Done! That's right!

I like that Victoria's Secret, though. I like that joint. Oh, I tell you what, I'm like a retard at the Chuck E. Cheese up there. Boy, I like that place. I was up there at Victoria's Secret a while back. I was up there sniffing around, couple hours. And, uh... Yeah, I was sniffing around up there, looking for some ideas for Mother's Day up there... And, uh... What? Mom's dress sexy, alright? And, uh, they got the crotchless panties in there. You ever the see the crotchless britches? Y'all women wear 'em. Britches with a hole in the crotch there. 24 bucks. For one pair! I'm like, 'Dadgum, 24 bucks. I got a whole drawer full of them at the house back there! Damn. (laughs) I bet I'm sitting on 3- 400 dollars worth of crotchless britches!' That's right.

There was this girl, put 'em on for my birthday one time. I come home, she's like, 'Hey, you want some of that?' I'm like, 'No! Look what they did to your undershorts! What in the world? What in the world? That'd take the stripes of a raccoon right there now! What in the world! Look like a good place for one of them vanill-er stick-ups right there or something, you know?' Yeah, Git-R-Done, that's right!

Then they got the underbritches you eat. Who in the world thinks of all that garbage? Somebody sitting at home, 'What do you wanna do tonight?' 'Let me eat your shorts! Give me a glass of milk. I'm gonna down them right here, I tell you. Ain't nothing better than a Yoo-hoo and some underbritches before we go to bed at night.' Eating britches.

I was with this big girl one time. She always wore stuff like that. That was like a buffet on her hind end, I tell you what. I ate half of it, I got dizzy and sweaty and thought I was gonna pass out. Lot of people get herpes, she give me diabetes, that girl! Damn.

I bought this girl a while back... I bought her some strawberry underbritches. She likes stuff like that. I bought her five pairs of the strawberry panties. And, uh, I bought five pairs 'cause I always end up eating a couple pairs on the way down to her house there, you know. They... (laughs) They're pretty good, now! (laughs) Thank God they don't make 'em in biscuits and gravy, I tell you what now, dadgum! I'll be getting fat just on underpanties! Doctor call me up, 'You gained 10 pounds last week.' 'I ate a lot of crotch last week, I gotta tell ya!' Need to make some fat-free underbritches. I'd have come up with some SnackWell panties, that's what they need! 'Honey, I'm on a diet. Put on some Fruit Roll-Ups, would you? I'm getting fat over here.' (laughs)