Jump Up in the Air and Get Stuck

But they say, though, that you meet the good-looking girls at the workout joints and stuff, but that's false advertising, I think. You know? Show 'em on TV, these good-looking women running. Where they at when I go down there to lift weights? You know? They got two-ton Tina on a floor mat over there, you know? Looking at me like I'm a Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme cookie or something over there. Well, she come over, she goes, 'Excuse me, can you spot me?' (laughs) 'Hеck yeah! You're 300 pounds, dadgum! Good Lord, I spotted you on thе way in here for God's sake! Ray Charles could've seen you over there working out! Damn, you're a big ol' woman there. You could jump up in the air and get stuck! Dadgum. And your hind end's hungry, it's eating your leotard. Look at that right there, that's... good gracious! What in the- You could smuggle Jews in that hind end! Look at that! That... That is Schindler's Ass right there... if I ever seen it.'

And that's the thing... that's the thing that irritates me about a lot of the women, and I love you to death. If it wasn't for women, seriously, this country'd be full of queers, to be honest with you, you know. Well, you ain't gotta work at Jiffy Lube to figure that out.

But the thing that irritates me about the women is they wear them little T-back underdrawers... You know, you got them little short T-back britches wedged up your crack there. And then you wear 'em all day and then you take 'em off and they're clean. Now, how in the world... do y'all keep your underbritches clean when they wedged up your hind end all day? Seriously! I mean, that's David Copperfield stuff right there! That is Ripley's Believe It or Not right there! You give us fellas a pair of underbritches, an hour later, it look like we come back from mud raffling or something, it's ridiculous! That's true! I mean, the Lord give us different hind end or something 'cause... our buttcrack's leaking! I gotta put some plumber's caulk in my crack there! Keep it from leaking. You walk down the street- [makes short farting noises] 'What's wrong with you?' 'I got plumber's caulk in my crack over here! I'm leaking! I'm leaking! [makes short farting noises] Dadgum, that's funny!

You ever hear anybody get that, they call it the Walking Farts? You know, my grandma used to get that all the time. She had one of them weak bladders, you know? Every step she'd take- 'I'm gonna get the mail.' [makes fart sounds with each step] Man, she'd get to running after something, sound like a machine gun coming out here or something like that. 'Them dadgum cats!' [makes machine gun fart sounds] Grandpa'd hit the dirt- 'We're getting shot at! We're getting shot at!' 'Shut up, grandpa! Grandma got the walking farts. Now put your pants on and get out of the ditch.'

Grandpa, he's losing it, I tell you. He- He went to the sex therapist and she says, 'Do you and your wife have mutual climax?' He said, 'No, we got State Farm.'