Going in Circles for Two Hours

I like NASCAR. They ought to make their wives ride with 'em in NASCAR. That'd be something. (laughs) I can hear 'em in there now, bitching. (laughs)

'You don't know where the hell you're going, do ya? We have been going in circles for two hours out here! Now pull over, I gotta pee.'

They want to take Winston out of NASCAR. Who's gonna sponsor NASCAR if they get rid of the Winston? What are they gonna get, the Stayfree mini-pads in there? That'd be some good racing right there.

'Well, we got 43 cars in the Kotex Cup this year. There's Jeff Gordon in the #24 Strawberry Dew Chevy Monte Carlo right there. There's Dick Trickle in the Syphilis Ford coming out of turn 4.' (laughs)

'How'd you get tickets to the Tampon 200?' (laughs) 'Well, my daddy pulled some strings and he got some pretty good seats.' (laughs) Git-R-Done!

-----

I'm gonna sing you a song here. I'm gonna sing you a song. I just busted up with my girlfriend tomorrow. Yeah, she said I cheated on her, which is a lie. Said I didn't pay attention to her, which is a lie. And I told her, I said, 'Cindy- er, Jennifer...' You know?

No, but she- it was just her cooking. I had to leave her, she just can't cook. She went to get me some eggs the other day. Make an omelette and I open 'em up and some pantyhose come out of 'em, you know? You know? Betty Crocker sends her hate mail.

But she cheated on me with another man, and that was wrong. I writ this song about her. I hope you like this song. You ever hear that song "Amarillo by Morning" by George Strait? Alright. This don't sound nothing near at all to even close to that song there.

Took me about four months to write this. Hope you like it. She cheated on me, and that was wrong...

[picks melody on guitar] [sings] 'My girlfriend's a whore'

(laughs) That's all I got so far right there, is that there. (laughs) Yeah, Git-R... I figured I had the main lyrics in, you know? Alright.

No, here's a real song I wrote about her. I hope you like it. It's called "I Can't Get Over You 'til You Get Out From Under Him". [strums guitar] Alright, I'm just kidding. Alright. That ain't funny, that ain't funny.

[starts strumming a Mexican-style chord progression and melody] (laughs) This is a song I wrote about an illegal Mexican. Yeah, hitchhiking through Texas. I'm gonna call it "El Paso". (laughs) That's funny! That's funny! I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!

Wanna hear my impression of Elton John? Alright. [strums guitar] He's queer! (laughs) Alright. That's the impression that I get, alright? That's just my impression, I don't know about y'all.

Alright. Hope you like this song. Sing along if you know it. It's called "My Grandma's Got Worms (That Explains Why She's Been Dragging Her Butt on the Carpet)". Here we go.

-----

Well, alright. Hey, did y'all have fun tonight? I hope you all had a good time. Did you have fun? Hope you had fun tonight. I appreciate you coming out. And remember, everybody makes fun of a redneck until their car breaks down. Uh, that's a big thing to remember. But I appreciate y'all coming out to see me. Y'all been real good to me here. And, uh...

[audience member yells: 'Larry Christmas Carols!']

And I want to tell you... (laughs) Can we have security? Can we have security over here, please? (laughs) Alright, I'll get that. I'll get that, I'll do that for you.

Nah, but I appreciate you all coming out, and, uh, remember this: You come to a Larry the Cable Guy show, it's a free country, alright? And we're Americans and we're having fun and that's all we're doing, is telling jokes and having a good time. So if somebody in here's offended at something we're doing, we ain't here to do that. We're here to make you laugh. So if you're offended, go home and, uh, put a bullet in your head. Alright? Seriously... and end it. That's right. End it. End your life. And I mean- I mean that in a good Christian way. I don't mean that in a bad way at all.