The Christmas Story

This is the Christmas story as told by my drunk grandpa

"Many years ago in Hephzibah, a child was born to Fred and Doris Ombree

He was a very special child, for he was conceived at a Foghat concert in the third row during the song 'Slow Ride'

Knowing that she was pregnant scared the bejesus out of Fred, 'cause he worked only as a hushpuppy cook down there at the Long John Silver's

They decided to name the child Bejesus

Fred and Doris, who was pregnant with Bejesus, stopped at a Best Western for the night 'cause her water broke and he wanted go to Sambo's for a short stack and some cheese grits

However, the Best Western had a convention of Shriners so they had to sleep in their van in the parking lot for the night

That night, Bejesus was born and they wrapped him in swaddling Richard Petty bedsheets and laid him in a milk crate

Just then, three wise men with two-year-degrees from DeVry Institute of Technology showed up with gifts of cola, frankenfurters and buns, and they grilled out and spake of hope and love and if restrictor plates should be used at Talladega

Little Bejesus grew and studied and spake philosophical phrases like: 'Whoever smelt it, dealt it' and 'It's better to burp and taste it than to fart and waste it'

He once healed a 1979 Camaro by rebuilding the carburetor and he brought back to life a Delta 88 by putting in it the engine of a 1969 Formula Firebird with a shift kit, glasspack mufflers. Oh, that's good. Get me horny

Everybody loved Bejesus of Hephzibah

He graduated from DeVry with a degree in drywall-ogy

He was the greatest of all drywallers

Then one night, tragedy

A Haitian immigrant killed Bejesus for two dollars and twenty cents and a coupon to the barbecue joint

But he still lives on in the hearts of roofers and drywallers and construction workers everywhere

God bless Bejesus of Hephzibah."