Christmas Weight Gain

Boy, I tell you what, I love Christmas. But how come every time I celebrate the birth of the Lord, Jesus, I gotta gain 14 pounds? That's ridiculous! I put my tree up at 210 and I'm fitting to take it down at 224! That's in four days! Four days! Cuatro, for the Spanish folks

Thank God Jesus didn't stretch his birthday celebration another week or I'd be getting training wheels surgically sewed to my dadgum muscular hind end!

It never stops with the food. I done eat pies and cakes and cookies and soups and candies and the neighbor girl. I tell you, thank God Christmas is over. I'd have a heart attack struggling with a tapered ten-pound Christmas turd

I lovе the Lord Jesus and I'm glad he was wrappеd in swaddling clothes and laid in a manger, but Christmas ain't good for my nice, muscular, in-shape ass!

I just wish I had willpower. I surrendered to a frosted gingerbread cookie quicker than a shirtless Mexican hiding in shrubbery after a cop come at him with flashlights. Boy, that's good!

Skinny folks say, 'Just don't eat late.' Well, that's easy for them to say! Good Lord! Skinny folks is always out on dates and stuff. Us fat son of a bitches ain't got nothing to do but sit home on the couch and watch TV, eating Teddy Grahams!

Looks like, for my resolution this year, I'm gonna go on that diet deal again. And if it fails like the last 12, then hello frosted gingerbreads!

Boy, I love food

Git-R-Done