A Letter to Shania Twain

Last Christmas, I went up to Nashville for a little vacation. And, uh... Boy, I love Shania Twain. Boy, I tell you what... Boy, she makes me hornier than a retard watching Baywatch. But anyway, I writ her a letter in the hotel room. I had one of these nice fancy hotels, so I tried to seduce her and sent her this letter. This is my letter to Shania and she actually got this letter:

Dear Shania

You're finer than hell. I'd eat your turds. You think I'm kidding? (*whispers* I figured I'd charm her off the bat) I'd treat you like a prize-winning hog and give you the run of my homestead where I live down here, off the alligator-infested lake. Tell you what, they caught a big ol' 16-foot-long gator in that lake by me. That's right. We're talking world record gator. Tell me now you ain't got hard nipples. From our homestead. Tell you what, Shania, I ain't like them Nashville pussies. I'd treat you to all the best things life had to offer. Please call me

Here, I'm staying at the Chug-a-Lug Inn, across from that big muffler joint. Boy, I got me one of them wiggling beds. I tell you what, if you want, I'll splurge and borrow you a couple of quarters. Fifty cents will give you almost 10 minutes of bed wiggling. You know, vibrating. To let you know I mean business, Shania, bought dating you and all. And to let you know that I ain't know lowlife hard-up scumball

I have enclosed a couple of gifts in this fancy Chug-a-Lug Inn hotel envelope. That's right. There's a bunch of coupons for that real fancy Long John Silver's restaurant down the street. And let me tell you something. If you don't ever use that one coupon that's in there for extra hushpuppies, send that son of a bitch back, 'cause I might give that to my sister and her husband for their anniversary. There's also a Reagan bumper sticker in there and a bunch of Grits-N-Tits Git-R-Done lick-on tattoos. I had 'em made up special

I think you're fine. Now call me. Don't call after one o'clock though 'cause I'm usually on the phone talking to one of them 900 talk-dirty girls

Love in Christ

Larry the Cable Guy