Sam

INT. NEUROLOGIST WAITING ROOM – DAY TIME
Hi, I'm Andrew Largeman. I'm sorry. I'm really late for my appointment.

RECEPTIONIST
Andrew. Andrew. Okay, Andrew. I'm gonna need you to fill out this paperwork for me. As soon as we're ready, we'll call you in.

ANDREW
Okay. Thank you. I'm sorry.

RECEPTIONIST
It's okay. Have a seat. Hello, Miss Lubin.

MRS. LUBIN
Oh, hello there.

RECEPTIONIST
Just have a seat. We'll be with you soon, okay?

MRS. LUBIN
Thank you.

RECEPTIONIST
You're welcome.

ANDREW
[To the walker dog.] How's it going? [Dog gets on his right leg and because to hump it.] Get off. Get off. Heel. Heel! [Sam laughs out loud.] Got any suggestions?

SAM
[Takes her headphones off.] Oh, what?

ANDREW
You got any suggestions?

SAM
Yeah, kick his balls. Kick his balls. [Walks over and sits next to him.]

ANDREW
Yeah, but I don't wanna destroy future generations of charitable dogs.

SAM
Don't worry about it. I got three Dobermans. If I didn't kick them in the balls regularly, I'd never get anything done.

ANDREW
But he's gotta be close to finishing by now.

SAM
Not yet. Here comes the lipstick.

RECEPTIONIST
Mrs. Lubin? We're ready for you now.

MRS. LUBIN
Okay. Come on, Arthur.

ANDREW
I feel so used. Thanks for your help. For, at least, your good intentions.

SAM
I recognize you.

ANDREW
Oh, did you go to Columbia High?

SAM
No, not from high school. From TV. Didn't you play the retarded quarterback?

ANDREW
Yeah.

SAM
Are you really retarded?

ANDREW
No, I'm not.

SAM
Cool. Great job, man. I mean, I thought you were really retarded. You're just as good as that Corky kid, and he's actually retarded. If there was some sort of retarded Oscar, you would win like hands down, kick his ass.

ANDREW
Well, thank you. Thanks, I appreciate it. I have to fill out this form though, so...

SAM
Right on.

ANDREW
Thanks.

SAM
My cousin's an actor. Jake Ryan Winters. Doubt you've ever heard of him. He was, like, on Xena once as a gnome or something. That's really cool though.

ANDREW
Thanks.

SAM
Oh, my God. That scene. That last scene...where you give the speech to the whole stadium, and your dad... oh, your dad gives you the thumbs up. Aw. That was, like... That was emotional. So, you got anything else coming out?

ANDREW
No. You know, I'm auditioning...

SAM
I can't believe you're not really retarded. I mean, Jake's not a very good actor. You can't really tell on Xena 'cause he's in the hairy gnome suit, but when we were little, he used to put on these really, really low-budget renditions of Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals in our attic. And they were awful! Like, so bad. It sucks, though, because there's not that much work for little people, you know? Anyway, I'm talking too much. I'll just. You got to fill out your forms.

ANDREW
What are you listening to?

SAM
The Shins. You know them?

ANDREW
No.

SAM
You gotta hear this one song. It'll change your life. I swear. Oh, I'm sorry. You have to...You gotta fill out your forms. Conundrum. Think you could, uh...maybe listen while you fill out your forms?

ANDREW
I think I can handle it.

SAM
Yeah? Okay.

THE SHINS
♫ Gold teeth and a curse for this town
Were all in my mouth
Only, I don't know how
They got out, dear
Turn me...♫

ANDREW
It's good. I like it.

SAM
So, what are you here for?

ANDREW
What are you here for?

SAM
Waiting for a friend. You?

ANDREW
I, uh...

SAM
Oh, fuck, that was nosy. I'm sorry. I am so nosy. I didn't, I didn't mean to be. I'm sorry.

ANDREW
No, I just... I get these headaches. I just want to have it checked out.

SAM
Cool.

RECEPTIONIST
Andrew Largeman?

ANDREW
Yes.

RECEPTIONIST
We're ready for you now.

ANDREW
Oh, okay. Thank you. Nice meeting you.

SAM
You didn't. I'm Sam. [Shakes Andrews hand.]

ANDREW
Andrew. Nice to meet you.

SAM
Good luck with your head.

ANDREW
Thanks.

RECEPTIONIST
Don't worry, Sam. We'll be with you next. [Sam embarrassingly puts her headphones back on.]