Diego

INT. HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS/ROUTE 22 – MORNING [Sam, Mark, and Andrew (with a gym bag) enter through the hotel lobby and travel through a corridor into a back room. Mark knocks on the door and Diego lets them into a secret hallway.]

INT. SECRET HALLWAY

SAM
What is this place?

ANDREW
I think you can see into the hotel rooms.

MAN ON SCREEN
Oh, yeah! Ohh! Ohh! Yeah!

MARK
Hey what’s up, dog? We’re kind of in a rush.

DIEGO
It can wait. He’s about to cum.

MAN ON SCREEN
I'm gonna fuckin' cum.! [Diego raises both arms as if someone just scored in a football game.]

INT. CORRIDOR

DIEGO
That shit was hot. That shit was hot. I gotta go drop some knowledge on that ho right there.

SAM
How do you know she's a hooker?

DIEGO
Of course she's a fuckin' hooker. Girls who look like her do not fuck guys that look like him, unless it's for coke, money or fame.

SAM
Well, Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett.

DIEGO
Who the fuck are you?

MARK
This is Sam. This is Large.

DIEGO
No offense, man. But why are you bringing these fuckin' people here?

MARK
This is the guy who needs that thing. Wait. I brought you the tank. Okay? Could you just tell us where to go now?

DIEGO
That thing come with balloons?

MARK
What am I, a fuckin' birthday clown? No. It doesn't come with balloons. Suck it off the tap. And I need it back when you're done because that guy's holdin' my 39 bucks.

DIEGO
All right. Hold up. Hold up! Who here just saw some titties? Raise your hand if you just saw some titties. Hmm? [Everyone raises their hands.] Thank you! So everybody just calm the fuck down! Now. You know where Kiernan's Quarry is?

EXT. KIERNAN’S QUARRY - LATER

MARK
Down in Newark, right?

DIEGO
Yeah.

DIEGO
It's at the bottom of Hillside and Rivington. You can't really see it from the street, but it's there. Park your car at the gate and hop the fence. At the bottom of the quarry, there's this junkyard run by this guy named, Albert. He's the one that tracked down the piece you're lookin'for. All right? I'll call him right now and tell him to expect you.

ANDREW
Okay, stop. What the fuck are we doin'?

MARK
Just be patient, man.

ANDREW
We've been patient all day, but it's my last day and you haven't told us what we're doin'. If you told me we were going on a six-hour hunt for blow, I would've passed.

MARK
If I was gonna get you coke, we would've gone to the fuckin' high school football practice. We would have been rolling five hours ago.

ANDREW
I think we corrupted this innocent girl enough.

SAM
I'm not innocent!

ANDREW
Yes, you are! All right? That's what I like about you. I don't want this guy taking you to, like, some sketchy quarry, in the middle of nowhere to find, like, crack whores huffing turpentine or pit bulls raping each other or whatever it is you have us doing!

MARK
Wow. That's like the most worked-up I've ever seen you.

SAM
He was protecting me.

ANDREW
So?

SAM
He likes me.

ANDREW
Don't be cute.

SAM
He's my knight in shining armor.

ANDREW
Don't talk about knights in front of Mark. It's a sore subject.

MARK
I'm gonna kill that motherfucker.

ANDREW
Pun intended?

MARK
Oh, you're fuckin'…

SAM
Oh, oh, oh, oh!

ANDREW
Ow! Ow!

EXT. KIERNAN’S QUARRY - CONTINUED

MARK
Oh, my God.

SAM
Wow!

ANDREW
I never even knew this was here.

MARK
I've heard about it. They were supposed to build a mall here, I think.

SAM
Yeah. I remember reading about that in the paper, that they were... digging or something, and they break into this natural phenomenon. It's like an underground Grand Canyon or something. Now they're in some huge legal battle over whether they can build here or not.

ANDREW
Can you imagine the guy whose job it is to fight for his right to build a mall, on some, like, geological phenomenon?

MARK
They love their malls here, man. All right. Let's find this guy and get out of here.

ANDREW
You're not gonna tell us what we're getting?

MARK
It's a surprise. You'll see.

SAM
I think it's gonna rain.