Handi-World

MARK’S HOUSE: MARK’S BEDROOM

MARK
What are you doing?

ANDREW
You collect Desert Storm trading cards?

MARK
Fuck yeah. Those things are collector's items, man. You have any idea how much those things are gonna be worth one day?

ANDREW
Really?

MARK
Hell, yeah. That's just like an investment. I have lots of little investments all over the place. One day I'm gonna sell all of'em just fuckin' live off of it.

ANDREW
So, like how much is this one worth?

MARK
Which?

ANDREW
"Night Vision Goggles."

MARK
I don't know. Mint? Uh, two, maybe three.

ANDREW
Dollars?

MARK
Yeah. It's too early. You don't sell 'em yet. Don't you know anything about investing? I'm gonna live off that shit. If you have a complete set, it's worth, like, thousands.

ANDREW
So do you have the complete set?

MARK
Almost. The corners are bent on my "Friendly Fire," and someone stole my "Wolf Blitzer." Now, look. Whaddya got to do today? 'Cause, uh... I got you a little going-away present... but, uh, I gotta kind of track it down first. So can you give me a ride?

ANDREW
Uh, yeah. I just, uh...

MARK
What?

ANDREW
No, nothin'. I just, uh...

MARK
Say it. Speak.

ANDREW
I kinda told Sam I was gonna hang out with her today. So, uh...

MARK
She can come. I don't care.

INT. HANDI-WORLD

ANDREW
I can't believe we're in fucking Handi-World. I really don't want to be in Handi-World.

MARK
We're getting money for your present. Don't look so guilty.

ANDREW
How do I look guilty?

KARL
Andrew Largeman?

MARK
Oh, no. Benson.

ANDREW
Oh, no.

SAM
Who is that?

MARK
Just don't give him your number.

KARL
Hey, man. What's up? Holy shit!

ANDREW
How's it goin'?

KARL
I haven't seen you since, like, junior year.

ANDREW
Yeah.

KARL
I thought you killed yourself.

ANDREW
What?

KARL
I thought you killed yourself.

KARL
That wasn't you?

ANDREW
No, no. That wasn't me.

KARL
Who killed themselves?

MARK
That was the Gleason kid.

KARL
Oh.

MARK
Oh, and Tina.

ANDREW
Tina who?

MARK
You remember Tina. She was anorexic, did gymnastics...

ANDREW
Oh, gymnastics Tina? How'd she do it?

MARK
I don't know. She wasn't Jewish. I didn't bury her.

KARL
I think it was sleeping pills. Or that car in the garage thing. I forgot.

ANDREW
Uh, sorry, this is Sam, Karl. Karl, Sam?

SAM
Hey.

KARL
Hey.

MARK
I gotta go find that thing. Uh, you two stay here. I'll be right back.

ANDREW
Is it heavy, or... Okay.

KARL
Hey, weren't you on a TV show or something?

ANDREW
Yeah, it was just this show. So, uh, you're like workin' here. That's cool.

KARL
Only for a little while. I'm opening my own business. Actually, I should talk to you about it. I'm lookin' for smart people like you, Large. I should get your number.

ANDREW
Yeah, definitely. That'd be... That'd be cool.

KARL
I'd like to talk to you... both... about a good opportunity for you and your loved ones. We all have dreams. I know I do! I'd like to talk to you about an exciting opportunity that people are talking about.

MARK
We gotta get goin'.

ANDREW
Oh, okay. It was good to see you, Karl.

KARL
Hey, I should get your number.

ANDREW
Yeah, definitely. Well, I'll call you because I think he has it in his book.

SAM
Nice to meet you.

MARK
Why is it always the losers that get caught up in the pyramid schemes? Why can't it be some charming, hot girl nagging you incessantly to buy some shit?

ANDREW
Is that what he's doin'?

MARK
Yeah. It's detergent or some shit.

ANDREW
Why are you buying knives? I don't need knives.

MARK
I'd like to return these.

CASHIER (WOMAN)
You got a receipt?

MARK
Actually, no. They're a gift.

CASHIER (WOMAN)
Why are you returning these?

MARK
They're not sharp enough.

CASHIER (WOMAN)
They're not sharp enough?

MARK
No. Not for what we need them for. They couldn't cut cans.

CASHIER (WOMAN)
You bought them to cut cans?

MARK
No, but in the commercial, it said if I wanted to cut cans, I could. With these knives, I can't.

CASHIER (WOMAN)
It comes with a sharpener. Did you try it?

MARK
Yeah. They're just...I don't want them. They're not sharp enough.

CASHIER (WOMAN)
Okay.

MARK
A major loophole in the Handi-World return policy is that they permit returns...without receipts on items below $40.

ANDREW
So, how often do you go?
I hit every employee once, and then I wait until they hire new ones. Luckily, nobody stays at Handi-World for very long. Except for Karl Benson.

ANDREW
You know, Mark, it's my last day in town. If you need money, I could loan you some.

MARK
I don't need your money. I'm making my own right now.

ANDREW
Fuck, take Jesse's. The guy's a millionaire.

MARK
I don't take anybody's money. Okay, Andrew? I make my own. Favors are bad news. The only thing worse than a favor is a favor involving money. Okay? Let's go. I gotta see a guy about a nitrous tank.