Breakfast with Mom

INT. MARK’S LIVING ROOM – MORNING [Large wakes up from cat "meows" and clattering noise; on the couch with the word “BALLS” on his forehead in black marker. As he sits up he sees a knight walking back and forth.]

INT. KITCHEN – A LITTLE LATER [Andrew, Mark, Carol, and Tim sit around the kitchen table.]

CAROL
It's good, isn't it? I always try to save a couple of the marshmallows till the very end...but I never make it. I always end up with...a bunch of flake things and pink milk. My mind wanders.

ANDREW
So, Tim...How long have you been working at Medieval Times?

TIM
Three years. B-But I've only been a knight for two. You have to pay your dues. I worked in the stables and helped in the kitchen.

CAROL
When I started, he was making the coleslaw. It hasn't been the same since you got knighted.

TIM
But I really just stirred it.

CAROL
Don't be modest. Mr. Modesty won the joust last night.

ANDREW
Congratulations.

TIM
It's not that big a deal. It's fixed.

ANDREW
What was it that happened to you in high school? You had a thing. I forgot what it was.

MARK
He got the shit kicked out of him.

CAROL
No, he didn't.

MARK
How do you know? He got the shit kicked out of him by Tyrell Freedmen.

MARK
I fucked him up too.

MARK
He knocked your teeth out.

TIM
He only chipped one tooth.

TIM
So, uh, w-what are you up to now, Mark? You're digging graves?

CAROL
Mark's getting into real estate. Tim can speak Klingon.

ANDREW
What?

TIM
No, I can't.

CAROL
Yes, you can.

MARK
What the fuck is Klingon?

ANDREW
Like the Star Trek guys?

CAROL
Yeah, he can speak their language.

TIM
No, she's kidding.

CAROL
No, I'm not. Why are you being shy?

MARK
Yeah, don't be shy, Tim.

TIM
It's just... It's made-up. This guy who plays the wizard at work is a Trekkie. I don't...

CAROL
Don't be shy. Tell them what you said to me last night.

TIM
No.

MARK
Say what you said to her last night.

TIM
Kuntar peteeky maya. Al fook soo.

MARK
You gotta be kidding me.

CAROL
It means, "I like to mate after battle."

TIM
That's not what I said.

CAROL
Yeah.

TIM
No. No. That wasn't the one I said. This one means, "Kill Kirk"...and also "Hallelujah," depending on the context.

MARK
You must have got it confused with “Pleej artulyah. Hagtooth pleep.”

CAROL
Honey, that is good.

MARK
You know what that means, Tim? Well, I do. It means, "Get the fuck out of my house before I chop your fucking head off."

CAROL
Mark, he's a knight.

MARK
He's just a fast-food knight.

TIM
I should get going. Thanks, uh, for the cereal. I had a lovely evening. By the way, it says "balls" on your face.

ANDREW
Asshole.

MARK
My mom did it.