Albert’s Ark

[Sam, Mark, and Andrew stand, soaking in the rain.]

MARK
So this is it.

ANDREW
So knock! Knock and barter for Desert Storm trading cards.

MARK
Don't tease me about my hobbies.

MARK
I don't tease you about being an asshole. Okay! [Walks and knocks on the door]

ALBERT
Mark?

MARK
Yeah. Albert?

ALBERT
Come on in.

INT. ALBERT’S BOAT

MARK
Oh, man. You guys must be freezing. Make yourselves warm by the fire. I'm just gonna go put her down. Okay? I'll be right back out.

SAM
Ah, I must say, I'm continually impressed with how each place you bring us, continues to be weirder and weirder.

MARK
What do you mean? This is nice.

ANDREW
Oh, nothing. Just hangin' out on an old boat at the bottom of a quarry in Newark.

MARK
It's hardly the bottom, dude. Did you check out that cliff down there?

ALBERT
Hey! This is my wife, Faye.

FAYE
Hi! Welcome.

ALBERT
Please. Have a seat. Make yourselves comfortable.

FAYE
Man, it's really comin' down out there.

ANDREW
Yeah. It just started pouring all of a sudden.

ALBERT
Well, in a bad storm, I like to pretend that this old boat's my own private ark. Um, unfortunately, if this is the apocalypse. I'm not quite sure it still floats.

FAYE
Yeah, I don't know. [Tea kettle whistles in the background.] Listen, would anybody like some tea?

SAM
I'd love some. Thank you.

FAYE
Do you want some? I'll be right back.

ANDREW
What is this place? What is it that you do down here?

ALBERT
Well, we're calling it Kiernan's Fault. It's, uh... No one really knows what it is because we haven't been able to explore it. Meanwhile, while they're locked in litigation, they hired me to make sure no one comes inside.

ANDREW
Wow.

ALBERT
But what they don't know is that at night I climb down.

SAM
So, how deep does it go?

ALBERT
Thank you. You know... Thank you. No one really knows. But I like to pretend it's infinite.

SAM
It's kind of an odd job. Guardian of an infinite abyss.

ALBERT
Yeah. Yeah, I guess it is. But we also trade and deal in antique jewelry. I suppose it is odd that we live down here like this.

MARK
No.

SAM
Not at all.

ANDREW
Never crossed my mind.

ALBERT
Well, we think it's important.

ANDREW
Why? What is it that you think you're gonna find?

ALBERT
I guess I just like the idea of discovering something. Of doing something that's completely unique...that's never been done before.

ANDREW
"Albert's Abyss."

ALBERT
Well, maybe. Who knows?

ALBERT
But, you know what? That's all ego. None of that really matters. If I get to be with this person right here, and our beautiful baby...that's all I need. Well, I suppose you want what you came all the way down here for.

MARK
Oh, yeah. That'd be great.

ALBERT
It took me a while to track this piece down, but I owed Diego huge.

MARK
That's it. Thank you so much.

ALBERT
Yeah.

MARK
Really.

FAYE
Good luck in the rain. Um, do you guys want some garbage bags or something?

SAM
Yeah.

ANDREW
Okay. That'd be great.