Dinosaurs in the Bible

Another great thing about, ah... ’bout, ah, Bush being gone, it ends twelve years of fundamentalist Christians... in the fuckin’ White House. Thank you, God. Finally my prayer got through. I was on hold with that prayer for about eight years, with fuckin’ Reagan: ‘God, help us. God, are you there? Surely this is a really bad fuckin’ joke, God. This B-actor idiot, fuckin’ illiterate bozo-lookin’ fuck can’t be the President of the country, can he, God, not really? Reach your hands down from the clouds and pinch my butt, make sure I’m not DREAMIN’!’ Finally my prayer got through. Did y’all know – you wanna hear something absolutely – this is fascinating to me, this is absolutely fascinating: fundamentalist Christians believe the world is 12,000 years old. Is that... let’s just think about that. Isn’t that great? And I ask ’em, ‘How do you think that? Why do you think the world’s 12,000 years old?’ They go:

‘Well, we added up all the people born from Adam and Eve, added up their ages: roughly 12,000 years.’
‘Well, how scientific. I can’t fuckin’ argue with that kind of, you know, research. You think the world’s 12,000 years old?’
‘That’s right.’

‘K. Can I ask you a question?’
‘Sure.’
‘It’s a one-word question.’
‘Fine.’
‘Dinosaurs.’

I mean, if the world’s 12,000 years old and the Bible covers it, why didn’t someone bring up fuckin’ dinosaurs? You’d think someone woulda brought that up... somewhere in the goddamn book:

And Jesus and the disciples walked down the path towards Nazareth, but oh, the trail was blocked by a giant Brontosaurus . . . with a splinter in his paw. And the disciples did run a-screaming, ‘What a big fuckin’ lizard, Lord.’
‘I’m sure gonna mention this in my book,’ said Luke.
‘Well, I’m sure gonna mention it in my book,’ said Matthew.
‘I’m not sure what I saw,’ said Thomas.
Timothy nudged him: ‘It was a big fuckin’ lizard, eh Thomas?’
But Jesus was unafraid, and He took the splinter from the Brontosaurus’ paw, and the Brontosaurus became His friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch, O so many years, attracting the fat American families with their fat fuckin’ dollars to look for the Loch Ness Monster. And O the Scots did praise the Lord: ‘Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord.’

12,000 years old. I asked this guy, said, ‘Come on, man – dinosaur fossils. What’s the deal?’ He goes:

‘God put those here to test our faith.’
‘I think God put you here to test my faith, dude. I think I’ve figured this out.’

Does that— That’s what this guy said. Does that bother anyone here? The idea that God might be fuckin’ with our heads? Anyone have trouble sleepin’ restfully with that thought in their heads? God’s runnin’ around, burying fossils: ‘Ho, ho ho! . . . We’ll see who believes in me now. Ho ho! I’m a prankster God. I am killing me. Ho ho ho ho!’ You know. You die, you go to St Peter:

‘Did you believe in dinosaurs?’
‘Well yeah, there was fossils everywhere. (crash) Aaargh!’
‘What are you, an idiot? God was fucking with you! Giant flying lizard, you moron! That’s one of God’s easiest jokes.’
‘It seemed so plausible! Aaaaargh!’

Bound for the Lake of Fire.
You ever notice how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. ‘I believe God created me in one day.’ Yeah, looks like He rushed it.

Now we have women priests. What do y’all think of that? Women priests? Yeah. I think it’s fine, women priests, you know. So what? Now we got priests of both sexes I don’t listen to. Fuck, I don’t care. Have one with three balls and eight titties, I don’t fuckin’ care, you know. Have a hermaphrodite one, I don’t, I don’t care. Have one with gills and a trunk – I might go to that service. (makes noise like elephant trumpeting) I don’t give a fuck, OK? While I appreciate your quaint traditions, superstitions and, you know, I, on the other hand, am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of light which exists in all of us in our own minds. No middle man required. (laughs sarcastically) But anyway, I appreciate your little games and shit, you putting on the tie and going to church, a da da da da.