Goodbye You Lizard Scum

Haven't been here in a while, man. Living out in, ah, Los Angeles now. LA, or as I call it, Hell A, and ah, I just like getting outta there at any point, you know, just to go anywhere, you know, for the weather. They don’t have fucking weather there, you know.

Hot 'n' sunny every day. Today: hot 'n' sunny in LA. Yesterday: hot 'n' sunny. EVERY DAY: hot 'n' sunny. And they love it.

"Isn't it great? Every day: hot and sunny. Hot and sunny every day. Isn't that neat?"

What are you, a fuckin' lizard? Only reptiles feel that way about this kind of weather... you know? I’m a mammal. I can afford scarves, coats, cappuccino and rosy-cheeked women, and all are available for sale... on the streets of New York. Now.

Where I will soon be returning, because LA is a nightmare city and the sooner it falls into the ocean due to a major earthquake and is flushed away like the turd city it is, into the Pacific Bowl, the better this world will be. Thank you, good evening. Yes, good evening. How are you tonight? Good. Thank you. The comedy of hate, join me. It's the newest thing. Join me. Hell, I'm spreading Christmas cheer. Welcome. Oh, won't we party hard when LA goes kersplash? Oh, grin from ear to fuckin' ear, won't we? LA fell in the ocean? Ha ha ha ha ha! (singing) "There is a God. He loves us all so much."

LA is a nightmare place, man. You always meet this one guy out in LA, you always– this real smarmy guy. He always says this:

"Yeah, I love calling back east January 1st. What are y'all doin'? Snowed in, huh? Bummer. Me? I'm out by the pool! Ha ha ha haaa!"

What a dick this guy is. It’s why I used to love to call LA when I lived in New York:

“What are y’all doin'? Talking to TV producers, huh? Bummer. Me? I'm reading a book! Yeah, we're thinkin' back east. Yeah, we’re evolving. Is that the big one I hear in the background? Bye you lizard scum! Bye!" (whoosh)

Ha ha ha ha! It's gone, it's gone, it's gone. Ah, it's gone. All the shitty shows are gone, all the idiots screamin' in the fuckin' wind are dead, I love it. Leaving nothing but a cool, beautiful serenity called... Arizona Bay. Ha ha ha! That’s right. When LA falls in the fuckin’ ocean and is flushed away, all it will leave is Arizona Bay.