Hooligans

I was over in, ah, England. I went over to England the day the LA riots occurred. I left LA the day the LA riots occurred. Unbelievable timing. I left LA:

‘Bye Bill, enjoy England.’
‘I will, y’all have fun while I’m gone.’
‘We will, Bill. Bye.’

I land at Heathrow Airport eleven hours later, pass a newspaper stand: ‘LA Burns to Ground.’ Holy shit. Did I leave a cigarette lit? How much are these? See if my picture’s in here, man. It’s literally the timing. And I’m over there in England, you know, trying to get news of the riots, you know, and all these Brit people are trying to sympathize with me:

‘Oh Bill, crime is... horrible. Bill, if it’s any consolation, crime is horrible here too.’
‘Shut up. This is Hobbiton and I’m Bilbo Hicks, OK? This is the land of fairies and elves. You do not have crime like we have crime. I appreciate you tryin’ to be, you know, diplomatic but...’

You gotta see English crime, if only we had crime like this, you know. It’s hilarious. You don’t know if you’re reading the front page or the comic section over there. I swear to God. I read an article, front page of the paper one day in England: ‘Yesterday some hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shaftsbury.’

‘Whoo-oo!’
‘The hooligans are loose, the hooligans are loose. What if they become ruffians? I would hate to be a dustbin in Shaftsbury tonight. (singing) No one knows what it’s like to be a dustbin... in Shaftsbury ... with hooligans.’

What the hell are you talking about? Hooligans, ruffians – speak English! It’s Crip, Blood. I mean, I’m sure it’s a serious thing, hooligans, but it just sounds stupid, doesn’t it? Picture a bunch of pale guys with penny loafers and no socks.

(singing) ‘We’re the hooligans.’ (Pop! )
‘Hey you fucker, come here.’
‘Nope, got to catch us. You corner me, I might become a scallywag.’

You know, it’s— yeah. It doesn’t sound scary at all, does it? They have proper crime there. Yeah, I’d love to put the hooligans up against the Bloods in LA, that would be a... a short gang-battle.

(singing) ‘We’re the hooligans.’ (Pop! )
(three gunshots) ‘Huh? Hoola something, I didn’t catch it all. Motherfucker danced up to me and patted me on the head. A pale motherfucker, look at that thing.’

It just wouldn’t be a long gang-battle. I’m bettin’ on the Bloods.