Sheets

I was getting some sheets down at Bed Bath and Beyond. Man they’ve got so many sheets! I was looking around and I saw this guy and he didn’t know what to buy and he looked all confused and he looks over at me and he goes, “Man, this is why I need a girlfriend.” And I was like “Really? This is why you need a girlfriend? So if you had a girlfriend, you wouldn’t even be here. You would be back at your house sitting on a La-Z-Boy drinking a beer going, ‘Bitch go get me some sheets! Yeah I’m in a relationship now. I don’t have to buy my own domestic goods. And pick up one of those bottles we can put sticks in to make the room smell like vanilla bean, I’ve been farting all day it smells like shit in here.’” Now all I know about sheets is the higher the thread count the better the sheets, right? (Points to lady in the crowd) This lady’s like, “Right yeah I got seven hundred back at my house, it’s like sleeping in lotion.” So I’m looking around trying to find some nice sheets and I see this brand called ‘Hotel Luxury Linens’, six hundred thread count. That sounds fancy too right? You gotta girl back at your place she’s like, “Oh my god. Did we just teleport to a five star hotel?” “Nah baby, these are just ‘Hotel Luxury Linens;. By the way, the technology for teleportation doesn’t exist yet, you must be kinda stupid.” So I grab the sheets and I get them home and I’m psyched to put them on my bed right. And I feel ‘em and they feel a little rough to the touch. I get a little suspicious. I do a little googling. I find an investigative report in Southern Living Magazine where they investigated thread count claims. An issue that definitely needed delving into. And they had a little chart that said brand, advertised thread count, actual thread count. So I was like Brand: ‘Wamsutta’, advertised thread count: five hundred, actual thread count: four hundred and ninety-seven. Brand: ‘Soft Sheets’, advertised thread count: six hundred actual: six hundred. Brand: ‘Hotel Luxury Linens’, advertised: six hundred actual: two hundred and ninety-six!!!! ARE YOU SHITTING ME MAN?! (Jumps off ground with both feet) I almost slept on that shit! Two hundred and ninety-six is sandpaper as far as I’m concerned. If that was a drug deal I would have shot ‘Hotel Luxury Linens’ in the face! Where are the rest of my threads? (forms fake gun with hand and makes a shooting sound) You didn’t think I was going to count that shit motherfucker?!