Cold Stone Creamery

I went to a place recently that I think is one of the most fucked up places I’ve ever been to. I’m convinced this place is the epitome of American excess and greed. I’m talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery. Woah, if you have not been there the basic gist of cold stone is they take ice cream and then they go ape shit with it. They’re slamming brownies and gummy bears and just hammering it in there. Whatever the crap people want in there, snickers bar, cheeseburger, let me fuck a butterfinger into it for you. Its like, “Woah, woah, woah, Jesus. This is way too intense for me. Is that guy’s dick a butterfinger? What just happened? Woah, woah, woah. I think I’ll just a small cup of vanilla, this is all too intense for me.” The lady behind the counters like, “No no no you should try one of our creations like birthday cake remix, where we take cake batter ice cream, yellow cake mix, fudge chunks, and sprinkles.” And I’m like, “You know that just sounds too intense for me, I’ll just take a small cup of vanilla.” She goes, “Quit being a bitch!” Woah…and then I couldn’t even get a small because their sizes are actually like it, love it, and gotta have it. What kind of crack head terminology is that? “Hey what size do you want man?” “I don’t know, but I gotta have it! I want some ice cream in a cup. I'm tweaking, I’m tweaking.” And you know I felt bad for people who have to work there, so I was like I’m gonna drop a couple dollars in the tip jar on my way out. Woah that’s when all hell broke loose. Because apparently when they even put a dollar in the tip jar, all five employees are required to bump out into a dance number where they take current popular music and shove cold stone lingo into it like they’re some retarded half cousin to Weird Al that’s obsessed with ice cream. It’s ridiculous. Five people are singing and dancing for a dollar. That’s twenty cents a person. If you saw a homeless person outside of cold stone and you said, “ Hey man, I’ll give you twenty cents if you sing some songs about Cold Stone.” He would go, “Hey man, go fuck yourself. That’s degrading!”