RAAAAAAAANDY

Um this next bit I wanted to do is something a little different. I played this character in the movie Funny People named Randy who is a stand up comedian and when I did the movie I wrote jokes for Randy and I enjoy doing them so I thought it would be fun to do a little bit of Randy in the special. So we’re gonna do a little bit where it’s basically what would Randy do if he had a special. Give me a second I’ll be right back. (Aziz exits and stage goes black)

(Siren noises begin to go off and spotlight hits a DJ with a turn-table)

DJ: Y’all are about to be amazed in ways you’ve never been amazed before. I’m talking if y’all got a second set of skin, y’all better break it out cause we’re fixing to burn it off y’all. Y’all aint seen shit like this since you turned around and looked at your momma’s vagina and watched yourself getting born. Lets get it starteddddd. (siren noise goes off but beats drop) Here, prepare to be amazed, it’s going down. (4 female dancers enter stage and start dancing) Put your hands together, make noise, smack your neighbor in the face if you can, cause it’s my man Raaaaaaaandy!

(enter Aziz, dressed like Randy in a sparkly silver jacket, throwing out money)

DJ: He’s throwing out money on y’all cause he’s spitting out large amounts, it's Raaaaaaandy!

Randy (Aziz): Wasssup! My name is Raaaaaaaandy with 8 A’s. If y’all are ready to laugh your dicks off lemme hear ya say yeah. (crowd says yeah) I said if y’all are ready to laugh your dicks off lemme hear ya say yeah. (louder, the crowd says yeah again) Alright, then it’s Randy time. Let’s do this shit — — First joke: Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, it’s time for another one of Randy’s crazy fuck stories, aka a fuck tale. If y’all wanna hear a fuck tale lemme hear y’all go “fuck tale ooh uu uu”. (crowd responds fuck tale ooh uu uu) Since you asked so nicely I’ll tell you one. I was hooking up with this girl recently, (sings) in a fucking hot tub, and we’re sitting there doing our thing, it’s going great, and then she’s like (in a girl-like whining voice) “Randy, randy, randy, will you go down on me?”. And I was like “Yes, I can definitely do that”. But here’s the thing y’all, we were in a hot tub, so I had to do that shit — — underwaterrrr (strobe lights and siren noises go off). So, I hold my breath and I go down there and I’m looking around like (pretends to be swimming by using hand motions) looking for the pussy, looking for the pussy, looking for the pussy. Bam! I find it and I start doing my thing, it’s going great. But eventually I’m like “Damn, I can’t hold my breath that much longer, I gotta come up for air”. But this girl held my head under the water. That aint cool ladies. Who knows what I’m talking about? (points to a random guy in the crowd) This guy definitely knows what I’m talking about. But I came up for air and things were fine. But I kinda wish I would have drowned, because that would have been the most baller death of all time. It would have been like “Hey Randy’s parents, there’s been a conalingus accident… Yeah, Randy was eating pussy underwater — — I know it’s awesome, but he’s dead”. I had this awesome headstone that says ‘Here lies Randy, he died eating pussy’ and it would have my handprint right there and everytime you walked by my handprint would you give you a high five. (giving air high five while jumping) Buhbam! Buhbam! Buhbam! Fellas you ever been in this situation, you got a girl back at your place and she’s down and you’re like (begins chanting) “I’m gonna get my fuck on, I’m gonna get my fuck on, I’m gonna get my fuck on tonightttt — Yes. I’m gonna get my fuck on, I’m gonna get my fuck on, I’m gonna get my fuck on tonighhttt”. And she’s like, “Randy! Stop dancing!”. And you do. You stop dancing and you head to the bedroom and you’re about to set it off and what happens every time you get to this moment fellas, what happens everyyy time you get to this moment? You gotta take a huge shitttt. So you get to the bathroom and you start playing a game Randy likes to call ‘Make a lot of noise so I doesn’t sound like you’re taking a shittttt’. You’re cutting on the sink and the shower and your girl’s like, “Randy what’s going on in there?” and you’re like, “Nothing!” and then it’s not enough noise so you gotta run to the kitchen. Next thing you know you’re blending carrots and celerys and tomatoes and she’s like, “Randy, what are you doing in there?” and I’m like, “Bitch, I’m making you a smoooooooothie!”. Then you go back to the bedroom and what does she say? What does she alway say? (in a woman’s voice) “Randy, randy, randy, I gotta go peee.” (yells) Nooooo!! You gone smell my shitttt! (sirens and strobes)

I was thinking about this the other day: you now what must be crazy? Getting your dick sucked in an igloo. How are you supposed to be hard when it’s so coolddd? It would be like (in a woman’s voice) “Esikmo Randy, eskimo Randy, eskimo version of Randy, can I give you a blow job?” and I be like, (acts like shivering from cold) “Nooooo gimme a blanket! My dicks coolddddd!”.

DJ: You better knock that shit off. It’s too cold.

Aziz: Fellas, do you know how to get your girl to the do the crazy shit? I mean the crazy shit. You can’t just ask in your normal voice. Like if I gotta girl back at my place and I’m like “Hey let’s have sex in my kitchen”, she be like no, Randy, no. But if I ask her in my smooth sexy voice, if I’m like (starts singing) “Girllll, I’m saying girllll, I wanna fuck you in my kitchen toniggght, by my fridge, by my oven, by my Forman grill.” She be like, “Damn randy, let’s do that shit noowwwww”. Next thing you know you fucking in my kitchen.

DJ: That’s right, Randy fucking and making chicken since ’86, bitches.

A: You guys like impressions? Alright this is my impression of me, Randy, getting a blowjob at an Ikea. “Excuse me, can you point me in the direction of home furniture? Woaahhh.” (looks at crotch as if getting a blowjob)

(strobe lights start flashing to the beat of his yelling)

DJ: I call that shit a ‘oppsk’.

A: This is my impression of me, Randy, getting a blow job at a Whole Foods. “Excuse me are those organic strawberries or are those, woahhhh”. (impersonates getting a blowjob by rocking hips)

DJ: She gave you a fair trade blowjob. (spoken into microphone with a smirk on his face)

A: Yeah, you guys now, anybody shout out a suggestion I’ll do an impression of me, Randy, getting my dick sucked there. Six flags?? Here we go. “Um…excuse me, can you show me the thing where you roll the uh… what is it called, skee balllllllll”. (looks at crotch while yelling)

DJ: You must be this tall to ride Randy’s dick. (spoken in a suggestive tone)

Aziz: Keep ‘em coming. What else? Funeral? Oh you trying to stump Randy, huh? You don’t think Randy gets his dick sucked at funerals? You’re about to get dealt with. This is my impression of me, Randy, getting my dick sucked at a fucking funeral. “Hey, I just wanted to say that…. um this is really hard for me to say… but im really sorry for your losssssss!” (yells while shaking hips)

Thank you guys so much, my name’s Randy. Good night!

DJ: Make some fucking noise for Randy!!!!

(music and strobe lights go off) (Aziz hops off stage)