My Random Roommate

One thing that scares me about Craigslist and stuff is that people go on there and they find random roommates. That’s a terrifying proposition to me. Like one time I found a random roommate and it did not go well. I would always come in the room and it would always smell like tuna and I would be like, “Woah not my top five smells for the room to have.” Why does it always smell like tuna? It’s because this guy liked to eat cans of Starkist tuna all the time and you know the juices there at the bottom when you finish? He would shoot the juice back like a tequila shot! Yes, I agree it’s disgusting! If you approach me on the street like (changes tone to that of a smooth talker) “Hey Aziz, what’s the most disgusting thing you catch your roommate doing?” I’d be like, “Drinking the tuna juice at the bottom of the Starkist tuna can.” They’d be like, “Man, that’s a really specific answer.” There’s other things like he played the flute all the time and there’s nothing wrong with playing the flute but he’d only play one song on the flute: Celine Dion’s "My Heart Will Go On," the theme song of The Titanic. If you’d approach me on the street like, (changes tone back to that of a smooth talker) “Hey Aziz, what’s the most annoying song a dude could play on the flute all the time?” I’d be like, “Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On, the theme song of The Titanic.” And you’d be like, “God damn you’re really good at this game.” But the craziest thing was towards the end of our time together he got really weird and I didn’t know what was going on so I asked a friend of his like, “Hey man, what’s up with this guy?” And he says, “Oh he thinks he’s possessed (pauses for a moment for emphasis) by Scar, the evil lion from the Lion King movies.” Oh yes, that happens. Sure. If you’d approach me on the street like, (speaks in the smooth tone for the third time) “Hey Aziz what’s the most random Disney villain a kid can think he’s possessed by?” I’d be like, “Scar, the evil lion from the Lion King movies!” And you’d be like, (makes buzzer noise to indicate wrong) “Sorry it’s the hockey team from Iceland in the Mighty Ducks Two.”

Now I have a small update on that joke. I was looking around on the Internet one day and I saw this blog written about me and I look at the comments thread and I read “I lived with this guy, he’s a douchebag.” (yells loudly) It was that fucking guy!! Oh really, I’m a douchebag huh? You don’t tell these people how you did tuna shots all day. (puts hands up to mouth like playing flute and begins to act like playing Celine Dion song) Oh you don’t talk about that, you just say I’m a douchebag. Well if I’m a douchebag this is what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna find out where that guy lives and go outside his house, like outside his window late at night and wait till it’s like really late and I’m gonna play (begins to say the beginning words of the Lion King song.. bassuweenuab…) and he’d be like (impersonates the voice of his old roommate) “No the demons, they’re back! Scar get away from me, leave me alone!” What I should have done is go on the comments thread and under the username ‘Hyenas’ said, “Watch out motherfucker.” (laughs at himself)