Gay Rights

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Aziz Ansari!

Aziz Ansari: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh wow. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. I just recently moved to Los Angeles and you know a big issue here and everywhere in the country right now is gay rights. And I was walking down the street once and this guy came up to me with a clipboard and says, “Hey man, do you have a moment for gay rights?” And I went, “Sorry man, I’m in a little bit of a rush.” And then that dude watched me walk into a Jamba Juice. And he was a little upset and he was like, “Really man? You’re gonna rush to Jamba Juice? I’m out here trying to make a difference.” And I was like “Actually man, there’s a guy that works in that Jamba Juice that said some really hateful stuff about a close gay friend of mine. And I’m going in there to stab him.” And then I pulled out two knives and I tossed him one and I was like, “Do you have a moment for gay rights? Oh, didn’t think so. So sit there with your little clipboard and judge me, I kill for gay people. I make a difference, you don’t do shit.”

I actually had a gay friend of mine get real mad at me because of a text message I sent him. And I looked at my phone and I realized it wasn’t my fault, it was my phone’s fault because I have that feature called ‘Smart Type’ where you type things and it guesses what you’re typing. But sometimes it guesses wrong. Like you’ll type in ‘gave’ and it guesses ‘have’. Texts get misinterpreted, that’s what happened to me. What I was trying to text my gay friend Greg said, “Hey Greg, don’t think I can come to the bar. Tired. Think I’m gonna hit the ‘hay’.” That’s what I was trying to say, but what ‘Smart Type’ decided to send was, “Hey Greg, don’t think I can come to the bar. Tired. Think I’m gonna hit the hay you faggot fuck you.” Woah woah woah woah smart type that ain’t what I was trying to say? Why you gotta get all homophobic on me? Greg’s gonna get pissed off about that text.

Now my whole take on the gay rights issues, particularly gay marriage, is let’s be honest, if you’re against gay marriage you just don’t like gay people and you wanna stick it to ‘em. And I’m not saying I wouldn’t do the same thing if I was presented with similar opportunities. Like if there was a law up for debate like, “Hey man, do you think guys that wear tight t-shirts and get bottle service at night clubs should be allowed to own property? And I would be like nooo fuck those guys.” (laughs a creepy laugh…hahahaha) Yeah, um it violates the sanctity of owning property and it says in the Bible that they’re douche bags. Whatever I need to say so that you don’t think this is coming from purely a place of hate.