MTV’s Next

I did this show on MTV once and MTV’s great. They let us do this show where they let us make it awesome and make it however we want it and creatively they were so awesome and so cool. Some of the shows on the network are not really my cup of tea, only because I don’t like huge pieces of shit in my tea. I was watching this dating show on there called ‘Next’. Man, if anyone here been a contestant on ‘Next’ do me a favor and go away and die. Cause you’re a horrible person and I don’t want comedy bringing any kind of satisfaction into your miserable existence. First guy that comes out right, hes the guy going out on the dates, and he comes up there and he says “Yo, she better be pretty cause if she’s a pain in the ass I’m gonna need something pretty to look at.” And I was stunned that he could say that. That’s so offensive and at the same time on my show they didn’t want us to say that a character was raped by a dinosaur…raped by a dinosaur. Because that’s too offensive. I guess they didn’t want all these angry letters from paleontologists saying, “Hey man, there’s nothing on fossil records that suggests that kind of behavior, so why don’t you chill with your accusations.” And then after you meet this dude, you meet the girls he’s going out on the dates with. And they come up there and they say things like “If he has a neck tattoo, I’m gonna lick it.” (sticks tongue out and acts like licking) It’s like, “Woah, how slutty can you be in 5 seconds?” And after they say that they freeze and like three facts about them pop up on the left side. The first two facts are always really normal but the third fact always comes way out of left field. Its always like, “Monica’s 22, she’s a hairdresser in Hollywood, and she hates purple giftwrap.” How does that define her as a person? And the whole show bummed me out man cause the things they try to keep off TV are just like really explicit, sex or violence and no one cares about their kids seeing attitudes like that on TV and that’s way worse to me. Like I would much rather have a daughter that grew up and shot me in the leg and burned my house down than some really slutty girl who hates the sound of people eating bananas. My favorite third fact I ever saw on ‘Next’ though was this one guy named Clarence. His third fact was that he hates the phrase ‘riverview’. You didn’t mishear me, when the words river and view start coming together, Clarence is like, “Hold up don’t do that”. And I was like, “What would make a man hate the phrase riverview?” I could only think of one scenario and it’s terrible but I have to share it with you. So one day this guy Clarence was coming home right, he was walking down this dark alley and gets jumped by this motorcycle gang and they just start raping him and all he can see is this sign that says riverview and these guys are just like, “Say it Clyde, say it!” And he’s just like, “Riverview, riverview riverview, riverview.” So yeah if you were raped by the riverview rape gang, then hate the word riverview. Otherwise just stop looking at property in that area.

I think you notice something really weird about me when I’m doing that bit and that is I’m a really laid back rapist. I just bend my knees a little bit, very low impact, and anybody who was worried aboiut getting raped by me after the show is thinking, “Man it’s not going to be that bad. I got raped by Aziz after the show last night, that was pretty refreshing.”