A Night Out with Kanye West

One time, in L.A., Kanye West came to one of my shows and I was so psyched. I’m such a huge Kanye West fan and everything he did to me was so funny. Like he was in the bathroom for a very long time and he came out he was like “Yo I was on an important phone call, I wasn’t taking a shit.” But um when he was leaving his was like, “Yo man, we should hang out sometime. That’d be cool right?” I was like, “Yeah that’d be crazy. I’m such huge fan that’d be awesome.” So this is the story of the first time I hung out with Kanye West: So he texts me and was like “Yo we’re at this club. Come down.” So I got my friend Jason, who is another guy who does not look like he belongs in a hip hop night club, and we head over there right. We get there and get to the club and they’re like, “Yo, we’re at capacity” and I was like, “Well Kanye West told me to come down.” And he was like, “Somebody’s gonna have to come and get you.” (laughs to himself) And so I texted Kanye and I was like, “They’re at capacity, someone has gotta come get me.” And before I could even hit send he sent me another text that said, (says in stern voice) “On my way”. He comes out and he was like (points and signals for them to go with him) and we go in and it was really cool for him to come get us and we go inside and he’s sitting at a table with Jay-Z and all these models and stuff and we just did not belong there. If someone took a photo of that table you’d be like, “Who photoshopped those two dudes in there? That was a really good job.” And you know, Jay-Z is there and he’s drinking vodka that he makes. How baller is that? Jay-Z signs the tab and money went back into his own pocket. He was like “You’re crazy for this one J, Hold! Pshhh.” And so Kanye eventually goes, “Hey man, we’re going back to the crib, wanna come down?” And we were like, “Yeah that’d be awesome, that’d be crazy to see your house.” So me and Jason get there early and there’s no one really there and we walk in and I hear 808’s and Heartbreak playing, which is his album. And I walk up and I see him sitting on the couch and he’s like (bops head to imaginary beat). I was like, “Yo man, are you listening to your own album, in your own house, bopping your own head?” And he goes “Yeah, these beats are dope.” And I go, “That’d be like if I had a stand up album and you came over to my house and I was listening to my jokes going hhahhah and I say, these jokes are dope.” And we’re talking about music or something on the radio and he cut me off and he said the greatest thing I will hear in my whole life he said, “Hold on a second, I’m gonna go look over there in the telescope at the girl with the big titties.” (acts like walking in opposite direction) And then later on he was talking about coming to my show and he was like, “Man I had a good time at your show” and I was like, “Yeah, thank you for coming” and he was like, “Aw man, you know what you need to do tonight? You need to do some of your jokes.” And I was like, “Oh man, you know what I need to do tonight? Not do that.” But he kept bringing it up like, “Come on man please, we need some jokes man it would be really cool.” And after a couple more drinks I was like, “Fuck it! I’ll do some jokes!” And next thing you know my friend Jason is like, “This next comedian coming to the stage” and I come into the living room and he’s got like thirty people arranged in his living room and I’m like telling my jokes and it was a nightmare situation for a comedian. But everyone was very nice and quiet and they listened and laughed. My favorite part was every now and then someone would be in the kitchen like making a drink or something like that and they’d make a little noise and Kanye would be like, “Yo shut the fuck up, my homie’s over here trying to tell some jokes!” Which is the best thing somebody’s ever said at a comedy show.