R. Kelly: The Pied Piper of R&B

My favorite musician that I’ve ever met was R. Kelly. And um, in case you’re not familiar, R. Kelly is a brilliant R&B singer slash crazy person. They did an interview with him on BET and the guy doing the interview was probably like me you know, a huge fan of R. Kelly and his music and hopes he really didn’t do those terrible things he’s accused of. So first question the guy goes, “So Robert, are you attracted to teenage girls?” And if you’re Robert all you have to do is go, “No, no” But that’s not what R. Kelly does. R. Kelly goes, “Define teenage.” Literally the worst answer. A worse answer would have been for him to say “Ha yeah” So that’s the person we’re dealing with. I go to his concert with my friend Jason. We get there, show is sold out, and people are psyched for R. Kelly. Jason looks over at me and goes, “Hey Aziz, me and you are the only two white people at this concert” And I was like, “First of all Jason, I’m not white. Second of all you’re the only white guy at this concert…we might kill you Jason!” So the concert starts and it’s incredible. R. Kelly is an incredible showsman. He has this part in the show where he has sex with an invisible woman. You can see the sound effects. He’s like taking off her blouse (zzzt),(whuvp),(dsh,dsh,dsh),(boom). And then when he does the boom, a spotlight comes out of his cock and goes over the whole audience like he’s cumming on the whole crowd! Then the spotlight hits the screen and the screen explodes! (jumps off of ground) And I was like, “Woah you aren’t going to see shit like that at a Modest Mouse concert, wow!” And then there’s like all this other weird stuff, like at one point he leaves the stage and they cut to a video of him playing basketball with his friends. Its about four minutes long and then he comes back on stage and goes to the next song and doesn’t address why he showed that video!!! (appears to be flustered) You can’t do shit like that! I can’t leave the stage, show you some video of me playing foosball with my friends and come back and be like, “Man, iPhones are crazy.” You’d be like, “Man, what’s up with that video you showed?! You’ve gotta explain that shit. That was weird!” Then you know we go backstage and meet him at the end of the show. He was very nice. He was like, “ Hey, you guys should come to this after-party we’re doing” and I was like, “Yeah sure.” So we go to this nightclub and once again, Jason and I are the only two white people there and when people know R. Kelly is in a nightclub, people lose their shit. And when he took the stage, people went nuts. And he started doing that song that’s like “I’m in love with a stripper” and he’s doing the song and at one point this woman jumps on the stage and starts giving him a lap dance. And she finishes the lap dance and R. Kelly starts going “Who can top that shit, who can top that shit, who can top that shit, who can top that shit?” Second woman comes on stage and gives him an even crazier lap dance. R. Kelly goes “who can top that shit, who can top that shit, who can top that shit?” Third woman comes on stage with humongous breasts, whips them out, and slaps the first three rows. R. Kelly’s head just goes (shakes head back and forth very fast) and R. Kelly’s head just pops out and goes “Woahhh…ain’t nobody gonna top that shit…I’m out.” And he leaves. And I was like, “Woah, what a performance.” But my absolute favorite part of the R. Kelly show was like twenty minutes in and he stops everything and starts talking to the crowd, and whats great about that is R. Kelly doesn’t talk like you and I talk. He talks like R. Kelly talks. So he goes like this: (in a sing-song voice) “Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know the name of this building. But the people that run this building, they said Robert, uh they said Robert, uh they said Roobbbert. You’ve only been on stage for twenty minutes but it’s already getting too freakkkyyy tonightttttt. They said Robert, they said mother-fucking Robert, there will be no touching of this area (moves hand in front of crotch area) tonighttttt. Do you wanna know what I told ‘em? I said LA do you wanna know what I told em? I said LA do you wanna know what I said to these people when they said that to me do you want to know what I tolddddd ‘em? I said I’m a grown (hip thrust) ass (hip thrust) maaaaaan (hip thrust) and I can do whatever I want tonniggghhtt. LA can I do my show?” and everyone was like, “Fuck yeah I don’t know what this is.” And that was the greatest concert I’ve ever seen. Thank you guys so much!! Thank you guys, thank you guys. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.