Say Hamburger

There was a cop and he wanted his buddies to know how good he was at getting chicks
He said, "I'll tell you what, you that chick that's so hard to get," he said, "Look, I'll take her out tonight, and you listen on my transmitter and you'll hear what goes on"
So he picked this waitress up and picked the hamburger up, and both got in the car and drove off into the woods
And his transmitter was on, and he said, "Give it to me"
But his buddies didn't know he was in the car, and he just wanted that hamburger
So she handed it to him, and when she reached to hand it to him, it dropped on the floor
She said, "Are you gonna eat that?"
He said, "Say hamburger, say hamburger"

Here's a guy, had a wooden eye
He had a—no, this guy had a wooden eye
He could never keep a girlfriend because he was ugly
When they'd have any type of disagreement, they'd make reference to his wooden eye, and they'd fall out, na'mean
Finally, he met a girl who's mouth was cut different than most folks
Instead of going across like this, her mouth was cut straight up and down from the nose to the chin, right straight down the center
And they fell in love, because with obvious flaws, obvious flaws, he just fell in love
And time went on, and he loved her so much, he wanted to marry her
And one night, the time was right, and he asked her
He said, "Honey, would you marry me?"
She said, "Wouldn't I?," he said, "Pussy face"

There was a guy who was eating some soup in a restaurant
And his glass eye fell into his bowl, and he mistook it for a large green pea, and swallowed it
And he didn't want the doctor to know that he was so stupid, he would eat his own glass eye, so he didn't mention it when he went to the doctor's office to get this eye out
He said, "Well, doctor, I have a little congestion in my tract," he said, "See, what you can do, doc"
So he get up on the table and kneel on all four
So the doctor walked around the back of him, and the doctor looked up, there was his eye
The doc looked, he said, "Now, look, the first thing you gotta do is trust me"

Here's another eye story
There was a guy walked in a bar trying to buy some liquor
The bartender said, "You can't drink in here, you're drunk"
"What do you mean I'm drunk? If I'm drunk, how could I see that one-eyed cat coming in the door?"
Bartender said, "That cat's leaving"

There's a guy, a lifeguard in one of those expensive motels, asked one of the male guests if he'd be nice enough not to wet in the pool, na'mean, just be a nice guy
Guy said, "Man, you know yourself, everybody in here wets in the pool"
He said, "From the diving board"
The guy checked in the motel, when he checked in, they had a bar downstairs
And he kept going downstairs, he loved martinis, he bought 'em by the gallon
And his chick loved martinis, and they both drank martinis all night long
He's going down, get me another gallon of martinis
He was drunk, and the last time he went down, the bartender said, "You got to be high by now, this is like your fourth gallon of martinis"
He said, "Chick upstairs you got must be high too"
He said, "Damn, she must be high 'cause I went up there just now, and she had her stockings on her arm
And all I had was comb down in her face, every time I kissed her, she said, "Oooooo"
Different strokes for different folks