Faith Healer

I'll tell you about this faith healer
There was an old couple in the front room of their home, and they were rockin’
They had their rocking chairs and they were comfortable because the home was almost paid for
They had been living there 53 years, 17,000 dollar place
And they were comfortable and content
This faith healer came on the radio
He said, "I can heal you tonight
If you hear the sound of my voice this evening, I can heal you tonight
If you wanna be healed, put one hand on your radio, put one hand on what you want healed"
The old lady reached over, put one hand on the radio and put one hand on her old tired heart and kept humming and singing
"Wade in the water, wade in the water"
The man looked over, he said, "Well, what the hell can I lose?"
He reached over, put one hand on the radio, and sneaked one hand down his lap
He said, "Wade in the water, wade in the water, children"
The wife looked over at him, she said, "Al, he said he could heal, not raise the dead"
It's a great crowd here tonight, ain't it?

Catholics hate me, because I say, they’re clever, taking those birth control pills for headaches
You got to use your conscience, know what I mean?
Shucks, it's too many different religions, somebody's going to hell
It's gon' be crowded—if you ain't go no reservation, you might have to stand up
The preacher was asked to come to a town, small town
He was asked to come there for a revival 'cause he's one them good revival preachers
You know, he get the thing on, he get the feeling and people put some money in the collection plate ’cause he could preach
He got to town, wasn’t no hotels in the town, so he had to sleep with one of his sisters at her house
You know'mean, have chicken and everything, a preacher
And after revival meeting was over, he had been there about three days
And as Rev got ready to leave town, he said to his hostess, he said
"Darling, never in my ecclesiastical career have I encountered such an abundant, satisfying, abiding manifestation of thorough, complete, and delightful exemplification of gratitude, graciousness, and hospitality"
Miss Wilson, she smiled, she said, "Well, Rev, I don’t know what all them big words mean, but I wanna say that you're a real world beater, a strong repeater, that you can do it neater and sweeter, and more completer, with less peter than any preacher ever been here"

Groovy—two cats out hunting, and during the night, one of the guys, somehow, a rattlesnake got in his sleeping bag and bit him on the vital organ, right on the tip
His buddy jumped and said, "Look, don't move, if you move, that poison'll go through your body
If it goes through, you gon’ die" He said, "You lay still, I'll go into town and get a doctor"
He ran into town a mile, across creeks, around bushes and trees, cars, into the doctor's office
Doctor was busy, said, "I can't leave, but I'll tell what you do
Go back to your friend, take this knife and cut two slits where he was bitten and suck the poison out"
This guy ran all the way back to his camp across creeks, around trees and bushes and over a concrete fence
Got back to his buddy who was laying there on the ground, his buddy looked up, he said, "What did the doctor say?"
He said, "The doctor said you gon' die"