Divorce Song

Today, the two of you are beautiful
May you be forever dutiful
Look at you standing hand-in-hand as you walk into the light
When will you understand that life's a bag of shite

So make the most of today
'Cause it's downhill from tomorrow
Good luck feeling way your way
Along that precipice of sorrow
Though I wish you both well
Frankly, marriage is hell
So save some rows
Rewrite your vows
And say from the heart:
"I love you, until divorce do us part."

Each week, you'll hear from her solicitor
His threats getting evermore explicit-er
The woman you cling to now will turn out to be a crook
Holding you ransom with those naked snaps she took
She will grow a mustache
And she'll take you to the cleaner's
She'll get her hands on your cash
Instead of on your penis
And when your sex life is naught
You can still screw her in court
So slash her tires, start from fires
You should've said at the start:
"I love you, until divorce do us part."

Who gets custody of the car?
Who gets to keep my old guitar?
Who gets the house, the kids, the cat?
Who has to move into a flat?
With damp on the walls, and a couple upstairs
Who argue all night, and then fuck

You will soon become numb
To the jives that once incensed you
As she poisons your mum
And turns the kids against you
So when you're left on your own
You should just pick up the phone
And call that crapulous tart
And whisper:
"Until death do us part."