Corporal Mum

Father taught me wisdom
Grandma taught me truth
My teachers taught me many things that helped me through my youth
But mum, the things you taught me were better than all that
Like how to strip a rifle down in fifteen seconds flat

When you were on maneuvers
I couldn't sleep at all
Till I saw your laser crosshairs flickering gently down the hall

And I'm still your little soldier
I'm loyal, proud, and true
And I know just what it means to be a real man
Like you

Man, a man
A real man like you
So I salute you, Corporal Mum
Make me march up and down
Call me 'orrible scum
Then send me on a ten-mile run (In my pants)
I salute you, Corporal Mum

You took me on a picnic
You wore your combat gear
And you made me smear myself with mud
And kill and gut a deer

We returned at oh-five-hundred
Father's note was in the hall
It said: "Couldn't stand the blitzkrieg, love. So had to go AWOL."

But you'd boobytrapped his Volvo
It was blown to smithereens
You said, "Soldiers do not cry, boy
Now get digging those latrines!"

Ah, I remember my seventh birthday. Mum took me to Burger King and annexed the upstairs restaurant. The siege lasted a week...

But now that you're retiring
I'll hope you'll let it be
And I'll help you clear the shed of all those WMD

Clear the shed of WMD
Congratulations, Corporal Mum
You can hang up your boots
You can hang up your gun
For now your killing days are done (Stab, stab)
Congratulations, Corporal Mum

So put your feet up, Corporal Mum
You can eBay your tank
Take your taser off stun
Your trigger finger must be numb
So put your feet up, Corporal Mum

You're fucking scary, Corporal Mum (I'm wary, you're scary mother, you're a scary mother)
With your hairy mustache and disfiguring scar (You're very, you're hairy, mother, you're a hairy mother)
So now I'm off to Zanzibar (It's miles away)
You'll never find me, Corporal Mum

Dismissed