Truth And Reconciliation

And I feel bad. But I just feel like this is all happening for a reason. And, ladies, I want you to win this fight. Ten years ago I might have been scared, but, you know, I got a daughter now. So if you win, she wins. So I’m rooting for you. And I agree with you. At least, ideologically, I do. I don’t know if the– I don’t know if you’re doing it right, but I mean, who am I to say? I don’t think you’re wrong. I just think that… You can’t make a lasting peace this way.

You got all the bad guys scared. And that’s good, but the minute they’re not scared anymore, it will get worse than it was before. Fear does not make lasting peace. Ask black people. And that’s what it is. What this city really needs… Without irony, I’ll say this.

The cure for LA is in South Africa.

You motherfuckers need truth and reconciliation with one another. Because the end of apartheid should have been a fucking bloodbath by any metric in human history, and it wasn’t. The only reason it wasn’t is because Desmond Tutu and Mandela and all these guys figured out that if a system is corrupt, then the people who adhere to the system and are incentivized by that system are not criminals. They are victims, and the system itself must be tried, but because of how systems work is so compartmentalized as far as information , the only way we can figure out what the system is is if everybody says what they did. Tell him how you participated. Because men want to help, they’re just scared. Ben Affleck tried to help. “What happened to these ladies is disgusting.” “Oh, nigga, you grabbed a titty in ’95.” “All right, fellas, I’m out.” “Fuck that, I ain’t helping.”

I just want to help. I want to be a good guy. Like, I can’t even say the word “me too” anymore. A nigga was like, “Dave, I’m going to the comedy club.” I was like, “I am also going to the comedy club.”

And I didn’t even know it was happening, but I guess I became like a feminist in the last three weeks because I can’t watch porn the same. Like, I watch it sometimes, but I can’t– I can’t click on these motherfucking thumbnails, not with those titles. “Guy crams young girl in the ass with hard rod.” I can’t click on that. Come on, nigga. Give me something I can click on. “Dude gets sucked off by a midget.” “Little person!” I say to myself. Takes me hours to find one clip. “What the hell is this? Marginally groomed feminist enjoys consensual sex with… vaguely homosexual guy whose penis is the same color as mine.” Click.

A lot of black dudes haven’t been getting “me too-ed.” I don’t want to jinx myself. You know why, though? Obviously, black women go through the same thing, right? The reason is because black women from slavery won’t tell on us. Because they know that no matter how bad we black dudes are, white dudes are very mean. They’re scared to see us get punished. My wife is Asian. She’d tell on me in a goddamn second. Ain’t no fucking up in the Chappelle household.

The wildest shit about it is I live in Trump country. I live amongst the tiki torch whites. Poor white people. And I’m rich. If it’s ever pitchfork time, nigga, I’m in a lot of trouble.

And nobody in my family believes me. I’ve been trying to tell the kids, “We gotta run these drills.” They’re like, “We don’t wanna run your stupid drills.”

“Too bad, son. You have to. If tiki torch whites come outside, what are you guys supposed to do?” “Come on, Dad.” “What are you guys supposed to do?” “Squint our eyes and stand next to Mom.” “That’s right!”

“And what are you gonna bring me?”

“Your gun and your groundskeeper uniform.”

“That’s right.” “I’ll go outside and see what they want.”

It is wild, bro. Where you from, man? Hmm? Where you from? -New York. -You from what, Manhattan? Brooklyn. You are from Brooklyn, aren’t you? You look like you can rob somebody with a hammer.

Brooklyn niggas rob you with shit they find around the house. “I just got stabbed with a toothbrush. This nigga must be from Brooklyn.”

I’m fucking around. Yeah, man. Well, you ladies were right. Be honest with you, your lives look terrifying to me. They do. Man, I know nothing about being a woman, but I know fear. Yo, I used to live in New York when I was 17. I couldn’t even pay my bills. You know what I did to make money? I used to do shows for drug dealers that wanted to clean their money up. One time I did a real good set, and these motherfuckers called me in the back room. They gave me $25,000 in cash. I was probably 18, 19 years old. I was scared. I thanked them profusely, I put that money in my backpack, I jumped on the subway and started heading towards Brooklyn at one in the morning. Never been that terrified in my life. Because I’d never in my life had something that somebody else would want. I thought to myself, “Jesus Christ, if these motherfuckers knew how much money I had in this backpack, they’d kill me for it.” Then I thought, “Holy shit. What if I had a pussy on me all the time?”

That’s what women are dealing with. I’m going to tell you right now.

It’s real talk. If them same drug dealers gave me a pussy and said, “Put this in your backpack and take it to Brooklyn,” I’d be like, “Nigga, I can’t accept this.”