I’ll Say It For Everyone Else

But motherfuckers are just taking it too far. I don't know why or how everybody got this goddamn sensitive. You know who hates me the most? The transgender community. Yo, yeah, these motherfuck– I mean, I didn’t realize how bad it was. These motherfuckers was really mad about that last Netflix special. It's tough, man. I don't know what to do about it ’cause… ‘Cause I like them. Always have. Never had a problem with them. You know. Just fucking around. A matter fact, I think I make fun of everybody. I mean, as a group of people, they have to admit that… it's kind of fucking hilarious, man. I'm sorry, bro. It's like… I've never seen somebody in such a hilarious predicament not have a sense of humor about it. They're born feeling like they're something other than they're born as, and that’s… That’s kind of funny. I mean, it's funny if it’s not happening to you. It's like that white black bitch that's in the news all the time. Rachel Dolezal. She always says that. She– She– She was– She's a white woman, but then she dressed up like a nigga and… shot her way up to the very top of blackness. And I always wanted to meet her just so I can understand. I just wanted to have dinner with her, so I can just look in her eyes… and call her a nigga to her face. What the fuck is that bitch talking about? “I identify as black.” That is trans-talk, lady. Stop biting. Stop biting. There’s a big difference between her and a trans. The difference between her and a trans is I believe transgenders. I don't understand them either, but I know they mean what they say. Them niggas cut they dicks off. That's all the proof I need. Never seen somebody just throw their dick away. Don't need it. I don't understand, but I believe you, and I support your decision, motherfucker. But how far is Rachel willing to go? Hmm? What is Rachel willing to do so that we blacks can believe that she believes she's actually one of us? Bitch, are you willing to put a lien on your house? So that you can invest in a mix tape that probably won't work out. She didn't even change her name. Didn't even change her name. Her name is Rachel. I can't believe in that name. You want my support , you gonna have to change your name to the blackest shit I've ever heard. Bitch, you gonna have to change your name to Draymond Green. I don't know a blacker name than that. That shit is black on paper. If you type “Draymond Green” in the Airbnb… that shit will log off automatic.

People get mad, bro. People get mad about everything I say. I was doing a show. I was in Portland, Oregon. And I was checked in a hotel under the name Charles Edward Cheese. I came back to my room late at night… and there was a note. It was like a letter on my desk. It was addressed to “Mr. Cheese.” So, obviously, I'm gonna assume that whoever wrote this letter must be an intimate friend. This is not some kind of name that a person would just guess. But then I open the letter, and it turns out I don't know this person at all. It's a fan letter. I'm not even used to the idea that I have fans, but I'm grateful for it. And… And even though I'm grateful for fans, I… I don't read those letters. Be nice if I did, but realistically, it's like, “What am I, Santa Claus, nigga? I don't have time for this. Got shit I wanna do. I'm trying to chill.” Read all these dreams and wishes from strangers. But then– But I read it. I'd already opened it, so I just read the whole letter. And you know what, man? Whoever wrote this letter truly loves me. I mean, they were really fucking nice in the letter. And then they described to me what it was like to come to the show. How excited they were and how much fun they were having. And then they said… that when I got to my jokes about transgenders… that they were quote, “devastated.” ‘Cause turns out that whoever wrote the letter was transgender.
I'm gonna be real for a second. As a policy, you gotta understand, I never feel bad about anything I say up here. And I would never admit this to you if I hadn't locked your phones up. But it was the weirdest thing, like when I read this letter… the shit made me feel bad. I didn't feel bad about what I said, you understand. I felt bad that I made somebody else feel bad. To be honest, I don't even know what I said that upset that person. I have so many transgender jokes. [laughs] But I feel like… I feel like it was probably… this joke I'm about to tell you right now. Sorry. And it's not even that bad of a joke. It's a true joke. I mean, it's not true, but I– I had read in the paper that Caitlyn Jenner was contemplating posing nude in an upcoming issue of Sports Illustrated. And I know it's not politically correct to say these things, so I just figured, “”Fuck it, I'll say it for everybody else. Yuck.” You know, sometimes, I just want to read some stats. I don't know why you gonna cram some man pussy in the middle of the sports page lines. I just didn't think that was the place for it. But I wasn't saying anything like Caitlyn Jenner's a bad person. I'm not mad at her. I'm not even mad at Sports Illustrated. If I'm mad at somebody… I'm probably just mad at myself. You understand? ‘Cause deep down, I know that I am not strong enough… to not look at those pictures. And I don't think I'm ready to see what she's trying to show. So, Caitlyn… goddamn it, if you go through with this thing… bitch, you better go hard or go home. I want you to go all the way. Hustler style. Do you know what Hustler style means, miss? That means spread the lips… I hope she spreads the lips and there's an itty-bitty dick inside. The show is behind the curtains.

I don't know what I said that upset that person. But I'm gonna tell you something. When I read that letter… in the moments after I read it, I did something that many black men in America do not have the time or the money to do. I thought about how I felt. Asked myself a very basic question that I don't think I ever directly contemplated. I said, “Man, Dave, if you're writing all these jokes, do you have a problem with transgender people?” And the answer is absolutely not. The fuck you guys think I am? I don't understand all the choices that people make. But I do understand that life is hard, and that those types of choices do not disqualify you from a life with dignity and happiness and safety in it. But if I'm honest… my problem has never been with transgender people. My problem has always been with the dialogue about transgender people. I just feel like these things should not be discussed in front of the blacks. It's fucking insulting, all this talk about how these people feel inside. Since when has America given a fuck how any of us feel inside? And I cannot shake this awful suspicion that the only reason everybody is talking about transgenders is because white men want to do it. That's right. I just said that. If it was just women that felt that way or black dudes and Mexican dudes being like, “Hey, ya'll, we feel like girls inside.” They'd be like, “Shut up, nigger. No one asked you how you felt. Come on, everybody, we have strawberries to pick.” It reeks of white privilege. You never asked yourself why it was easier for Bruce Jenner to change his gender than it was for Cassius Clay to change his fucking name?

And if I were to be brutally honest… [man] Go, Dave. …the only reason I ever have been mad at the transgender community, is because I was at a club in LA and danced with one of these niggas for six songs straight. I had no idea. Then the lights came up and I saw them knuckles. I said, “Oh, no!” And everybody was laughing at me. WorldStar. I said, “Why didn't you say anything?” Then I heard that sultry voice. “I didn't say anything, Dave Chappelle, because I was having a wonderful time. And I wasn't sure how you'd feel about it.” I said, “You knew how I'd feel.” And she said, “I'm going home. I don't want any trouble from you.” I said, “Home? It's only two songs left. I mean, we might as well… finish the night.” And we ended up having breakfast together. Oh, grow up. That doesn't make me gay. I just titty-fuck them. Those titties are as real as any titties in LA. It was two o'clock in the morning. I was just borrowing a little friction from a stranger. Whoops! It's the madness of youth. It's the types of mistakes a man makes when he's young. I wouldn't even know that it's necessarily a mistake. It was a wild night out. But I don't do it like that anymore.