Heroic Moment

I know, I’m terrible, I’m terrible. I’m sorry, everybody. I’m sorry. Wanna know what happened to me?

Yes. Nah.

It’s tempting, but I don’t want to talk about it. Maybe at the end. When I run out of things to talk about. Actually, I’m almost there.

I’m just trying to tell you what happened to me was not– I just didn’t have a good go of it. I don’t know what you guys think happens when you quit a successful show. I’ll tell you what doesn’t happen. They don’t go, “Hey, good luck with your future endeavors.”

That’s not what happens. It was cold out there. For real, I had to watch it all go down without me. I had to watch all those people do my show. Key & Peele and Amy Schumer and… Mind of Mencia. I’m not gonna say they were doing my show. I’m just saying they were awfully similar. I was mad. People would come up to me on the street, “Yo, nigga.” Most people thought I was crazy, but sometimes people come, “Yo, nigga, you did the right thing, man. You my hero.” Nigga, I don’t want to be your hero. I want to be rich.

Never choose to be a hero, ’cause heroes die uncomfortable deaths. All I wanted to be was Paul Revere. I just needed one heroic moment, you understand? “Paul Revere’s Ride” was only one night. And then 40 years of him being like, “Hey, y’all, remember that time everybody was asleep, and I was up, and the British was coming? Boy, it’s a good thing I was awake, nigga, everybody be dead. Psh.”

That’s why I want to start a GoFundMe for Colin Kaepernick. I do, man. I’m fascinated with him. I want to make sure he never has to play football again. He can if he wants to. I just don’t want to have to. ‘Cause why the fuck not? I know he’s rich and people’d be like, “I’m not giving a GoFundMe to rich dude.” But you should. You should because that motherfucker’s life was going great. He’s so light skinned, he didn’t have to say he was black.

And yet, he took a knee during that anthem for us. Thought about us when things were going good, when his belly was full, when he was– He didn’t think about his livelihood or any of that, and they took his livelihood away from him. Like, man, that shouldn’t be the way it is.

Every fucking person that takes a stand for somebody else always gets beat down. And we watch. Over and over and over again, we watch it. We should pay those motherfuckers for blowing the whistle, because they make our lives better, and we could change the narrative. We could make one motherfucker have a good outcome for doing the right thing and that would make another motherfucker brave enough to do the right thing. And if you did that, then niggas like Harvey Weinstein wouldn’t rape for 40 years because a bitch wanted a stupid ass part.

We should take care of each other. Wouldn’t it be nice to be like, “Remember that time he was gonna kill Jesus but then he got all that money?”

Real talk, man. It’s not a racial thing. It’s about us making our society better. It’s about like even these women that are coming forward, and everyone says they’re brave, and many of them are. And a few of them– a few of them sucked the dick and got buyer’s remorse.

You know, that’s a huge omission from this narrative. This wouldn’t have gone this far if some women weren’t willing to do it. You can’t ask every woman to hold the line. Some women can carry things heavier than others. So we should fight for one another. We should forgive the ones of us that are weaker and support the ones of us that are stronger. And then we can beat the thing. If you guys keep going after individuals, the system is going to stay intact. You have to have men on your side. And I’m telling you right now, you’re gonna have a lot of imperfect allies.