The Upside Down

Sometimes I want to talk about where I went, but y’all don’t want to know. I was gone for a long time, nigga. I was in the upside down.

Scary being a white dude now, isn’t it? A little bit, no? Well, you’re not going to get “me too-ed.” You know what I mean. It’s funny for a black dude to see white people go through this because this is how it always is for us. All my heroes were either murdered by the government or… are registered sex offenders.

Sad. I know, man. We’ve already been through it.

Like Michael Jackson. Remember when they said all that shit? They never proved anything till his dying day. But they said that he did some very heinous things. And one time I watched a documentary about it. They were talking all this shit Michael Jackson allegedly did, and as they were saying all these allegations, they started showing pictures of his home– Neverland Ranch. You’ve ever seen Michael Jackson’s house on television?

Um… Well, the short of it is there’s a lot of things for kids to do at that place.

And I saw the whole thing. Exotic animals and Ferris wheels and merry-go-rounds and shit. And the more they showed it, the more certain I was that… I don’t think Michael Jackson did any of those things they said he did. His house didn’t look sexual. It looked like… he was flossing with those motherfuckers.

Didn’t look like he’s trying to fuck kids, looked like he’s trying to impress ’em. Like, this nigga’s Jay-Z for kids.

He’s just walking through his house. “This is my cotton candy machine. It makes three tons of cotton candy a day. You can have all the cotton candy you want. This closet is filled with nothing but custom-made karate slippers. Isn’t that cool? Shall I have my monkey bring us more cupcakes? Hey, guys, let’s watch a movie. What movie do you want to see? Home Alone? No, don’t touch the DVD player. Macaulay Culkin’s here, he can act it out. Come on, Macaulay. Act out Home Alone for my guest. ”

And the kids were like, “Man, you are all right, mister. This is fantastic, man. We had you all wrong.” “Hmm? All wrong? What? I don’t understand. What do you mean?” “Huh? Oh, well, you know, man. We thought it was gonna be the usual. You were gonna have us come over and give some wine cooler and… you know, suck our dicks.”

“What? Suck your dicks? Ooh, you faggot ass kids! Nobody trying to suck your dick, nigga. I was trying to show you a better life. Bubbles. Get these kids the fuck out of my house. You’re just like everyone else.”

Hollywood is no place for moral absolutism. You know what I mean? We must never forget that R. Kelly peed on a 15-year-old girl. And he also wrote “I Believe I Can Fly.” Same guy, same lifetime. If I showed you that video of him peeing on that girl, and scored it to “I Believe I Can Fly,” you’d be torn.

I used to think that I could not go on

You wouldn’t know how to feel.

If I can see it [laughing]

It’s okay, my career ended many years ago.

Order. [laughing]