How’d Everyone Get So Sensitive

Ladies and gentlemen… I told you I'm dope, nigga. I told you that I was gonna say it, and you still didn’t see it coming. And that's why I make the big bucks. Oh, my God. But there's a more important reason that I would stop doing comedy right now. And this reason is the real reason that’s been percolating, and it really is the crowd. Not you. I'm talking about the crowd on the big stage. It's too hard to entertain a country whose ears are so brittle.

Motherfuckers are so sensitive, the whole country has turned into bitch-ass niggas. Everything you say upsets somebody. You know, I can remember when it all started. It was when I was doing Chappelle's Show. When I was doing Chappelle's Show… I used to do the show, and then on the weekends, I'd do concerts and shit like that. So, I'm doing a concert, and there was a couple in the front row.

Beautiful couple. The wife… The wife was obviously Asian. You could see it in her face. The husband… this motherfucker was mysterious, to say the least. Couldn't quite pinpoint where he was from. Caramel-colored fella, very nice hair, but he could have been from anywhere. Bangladesh, Mexico. I can’t guess with a nigga like this. All I knew for sure about this guy… was that his wife was a bitch. I could see that in her face, too. No, he was laughing and having a good time, and she was scowling at me at a goddamn comedy show. I couldn’t figure it out.

And then I realized at some point that she was pregnant, and I was smoking on stage. I said, “Oh, my God. That's probably why she’s mad.” So I started to put my cigarette out, but then she hit me with one of them fake non-smoker coughs. So I just kept smoking. I thought to myself, “Bitch, that baby will be fine. Relax.”

Then I tried to break the tension. I just asked her– This is all I said. I go, “Hey, where are you guys from?” And I could tell that she was on to me. Very condescendingly, she says, “I'm from California. If you're asking my ethnicity… I am Chinese.” And her husband was just cool about the shit. He was like, “I'm Mexican, bro.” I said, “Well, I’m sorry if I offended you by asking, but you're very beautiful couple. And, miss, there's no question that you're gonna give birth to the hardest-working baby this world has ever seen.” It's not a bad joke. She got very upset. She got up to leave immediately. She didn't just leave. She had to take one last dig at me on the way out. “I will never buy one of your fucking DVDs again, Dave Chappelle.” I said, “Ma'am, with all due respect… Chinese people don't buy DVDs.”

And the crowd went crazy. We were all laughing and having a good time. I didn't even think anything of it. And then, just three days later, this lady sends a fucking letter to my promoter telling him not to book me for shows anymore because I was quote “racist.” Huh? And… And I'm quoting her, “insensitive to the nature of my interracial marriage.” I was like, “Word, bitch, I was?” If she had just done a little bit of research… She would know that I myself am in an interracial marriage. That's right. In fact, my wife is Asian, too. Surprise, bitch. I'll see you on Thanksgiving.

But my wife's not Chinese. She's Filipino. That's right. And our kids look Puerto Rican somehow, so there you go. I don't give a fuck about interracial marriage. In fact, you know what? My mother is half white. -A lot of people don't know that. -[woman screams] All right, you a little too excited, but okay. A lot of people don't believe me when I say that, but it's true. You can't tell looking at me. But if I grew my hair out… you would think you was at a fucking Katt Williams concert. My shit is… My shit is beautiful.