The Nut

I'm writing a song that should be released real soon
It's called "If The Bed Breaks Down, I'll See You in the Spring"
Then the undertaker's shopping—undertaker walked over to an old fella that was sitting there waiting on some business
Walked to the old fella, he said, "How old are you, friend?"
Old fella said, "I'll be 98 December the 6th"
Undertaker looked at him and said, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
I was in a car driving, and the guy in front of me got a flat
This guy pulled up, right in front of an insane asylum to fix his flat
Because that's where he got flat, in front of the insane asylum
So, he took the tire off, looked at it, and put another tire back on
He found out when he put the tire back on, he didn't have lugs to go in it
So he couldn't keep it on
So he stood there and looked a while, and after a while he got disgusted
He had given up, he figured he'd go on and leave because there's no way to fix it
So he looked through the fence and there was a guy peering through the fence
A nut from the insane asylum looking through the fence, and the nut looked at him, he said
"Look here, buddy, don't leave, why don't you just take one lug off of each wheel
That way you'll have three lugs on each wheel and you can go where you're going"
This guy looked at the nut, he said, "My goodness, that's good thinking"
He said, "What is a guy like you doing in a mental institution?"
The nut said, "I might be crazy but I'm not stupid"
We have some neighbors, I know you'd be glad not to have these kind
They fight all the time
They had a fight last night, it was one of the worst ones they've ever had
And the husband got real bad, he told his wife, he said
"I'm going out with the boys, and if you don't like it, lump it"
He said, "I got a date and I'm going out, and you know who's gonna help me get dressed? You"
He said, "You know who's gonna shine my shoes? You
You know who's gonna get my suit out the closet? You"
He said, "You know who's gonna tie my tie?"
She said, "Yeah, the undertaker"
You know, income tax time is coming, and I want all of you to remember this
That if you make it out wrong, you go to jail
And if you make it out right, you go to the poor house
I came home the other night, I was so juiced, I was really juiced
My wife said, "If I was in your condition, I'd shoot myself"
And I said, "If you was in my condition, you'd miss"
And I always have trouble with my wife, too, you know, 'cause I just got this little house
And I'm always have trouble with my wife or the furnace
When I watch one, the other one goes out
But I'm glad, though, that I don't drink anything stronger than pop
And my pop'll drink anything
I feel bad tonight, my wife surprised me and cooked dinner
She cooked a 12-pound turkey, I sat down for dinner, had all the trimmings
Cranberry sauce, potatoes, iced tea, lemonade, and cake, and cookies, and pie
Beef stew—everything that go with turkey
And I asked my wife, I said, "Listen, what you stuff it with?"
She said, "Stuff it? This one wasn't hollow"
My two aunts in Waco, I've never seen 'em because I always flew over Waco
I flew over so high, my aunts looked like two ants
Say, you know, I had a horrible dream last night
You know, when you drink and eating a sardine and cheese sandwich
And then have some cold sweet potatoes and lay down on 'em
You know, lay down on 'em and try to get your dudesta straight with some bar comp and soda and buttermilk
I really had a dream
I dreamed that Lena Horne was fighting over me and my old lady was winning