Take Your Life

Yeah—and you know they have a program here in America, they call it You Bet Your Life, which stars Groucho Marx
Well, Russia has a program similar, it's called "We'll Take Your Life"
You know, you hear about guys drinking—you're probably big drinkers yourself, 'cause I see everything leaving
Nah, but seriously, it was bartender, he had just entered his home
The phone was ringing, so he walked over and lifted the receiver
A drunk on the other end said, "What time you open up?"
The bartender said, "I just closed", and hung the phone up
And just as he was putting on his pajamas, getting in bed and relaxed from a hard day at the bar, the phone rang again
Same drunk said, "Look here," and he hollered, "What time you gon' open up your ol' bar there, daddy?"
The bartender said, "I done told you before, I open at 9 AM. Why? Why you so anxious to get in my bar?"
The drunk said, "Who want to get in? I want to get out"
Once, I was on an excursion—up in New York, they have excursions down the Hudson River and up the Hudson River
And I was on a boat, it started taking on water in the engine room, we started sinking
And the captain called us all together and says, "Anyone here who can pray?"
Everyone said, "Yes, yes we can"
He said, "Well, y'all better get started 'cause it ain't but one life preserver and I'm using that myself"
I was on a bus, and a lady was really making a pest out herself
You've seen those ladies on the bus, running back and forth, push through the crowd, whole lotta shopping bags and everything in their hand
Bundles of toys and everything
She pushed through the bus four or five times, walks up to the driver and said
"Look here, can let me know we gon' get to Bullock's?"
Bus driver said, "Yeah, lady, go sit down, I'll call you before we stop"
She pushed her way through the crowd again, and about five more minutes she pushed through again
She said, "Listen, you gon' let me know when you get to Bullock's?"
He said, "Lady, I told you, why don't you just go ahead and sit down"
And she was really making a real pest out of herself
She pushed through the crowd and pushed back through again
She said, "Well, bus driver, how will I know when we get to Bullock's?"
He said, "You'll know by the smile on my face"
They used to have some cold winters in St. Louis
It was cold as a well digger's wallet
See, but you know, my grandfather, he just couldn't stand to see my grandmother get up in the cold and start the fire in the stove, you know
He always used to turn his face to the wall
I'm glad they gon' have all honest politicians from now on--ain't nothin' left to steal
You know, some guy called me a pig yesterday
And with the price of pork like it is, that was a compliment
A friend of mine had a terrible argument with his wife, and she promised not to speak to him for 30 days
And I saw him today, I said, "Well, you oughta be mighty happy"
He said, "Happy? Today is the last day"
Well, I'm lucky, though, you know, you can consider yourself lucky because I have a wife and a cigarette lighter and both of 'em are working
Fella died and his friends asked his wife, said, "Did he leave you much?"
She said, "Almost every night"
But I asked my neighbor today—you know, they had a fight—they usually fight Saturday night
And this being Sunday, it was yesterday, they had a big fight
And I asked my neighbor, I said, "Why is it every Saturday night you and your old lady have a fight? We hear it through the wall"
And he said, "We're not really fighting," he said, "I"m a gentle sorta guy at heart"
He said, "Even when we fight I whip her with the soft end of the mop"