The Five-Fifteen

[BROOKS SR., spoken]
Sorry to interrupt your rehearsal ma’am,
But about Mister Beale,
Surely he’s coming home for the party?

[EDITH, spoken]
Well, I should say so!
He’s announcing his daughter’s engagement.
Wall Street will have to do without him for a day!

(singing)
Mister Beale thinks making money matters more,
Than a restful family summer by the shore.
But unless some act of God divine,
Derails the New York-Montauk line,
He’s arriving on the five-fifteen!

[BROOKS SR., spoken]
Then I’ll have a car waiting at the station.

[JACKIE AND LEE, spoken]
Auntie Edith, Auntie Edith!

[EDITH, spoken]
Girls, Girls! Look at you Jackie, lovely! And Lee, a fright!
What have you been doing?

[LEE, spoken]
Sing for us Aunt Edith!

[EDITH, spoken]
Now girls, make yourselves useful.
Go out to the garden and make some pretty little nosegays to wear at the party.

[JACKIE AND LEE, spoken]
Please! Please! Just one song!

[EDITH, spoken]
Ha ha ha ha! Alright Gould, what’s next on the bill, Indian Love Poem?

[GOULD, spoken]
No, the mysterious Orient.

[EDITH, spoken]
Hit it!

(singing)
Pretty itty-bitty Geisha!
Delicate and small and sweet!
Kneeling on katami
Making origami,
Hobbling on her poor, bound feet!

[ALL, spoken]
Oohh!

[EDITH & (JACKIE AND LEE)]
Pity itty-bitty Geisha! (Ee-oww! Chimmy, chimmy chow chew!)
Hiding all her foolish pride! (Hoochie, coochie, coo!)
Let your auntie Edith,
Finish her rehearsal,
Take your silly selves outside!

(spoken)
Scoot! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Utter terrors those two!

[GOULD, spoken]
I just adore children!
Especially grown ones.

[BROOKS SR., spoken]
Ma’am, the caterers arrived, where would you like them to set up?

[EDITH]
Put the chafing dishes on the garden ledge,
Once the gardener has finished with the hedge.
Chill the vichyssoise and heat the veal,
And wish me luck, ‘cause Mister Beale,
Is arriving on the five-fifteen.

(spoken)
What time is it?

[GOULD, spoken]
Half past eleven.

[EDITH, spoken]
Good Lord!

(singing)
One o’clock!
Set the chairs and the table!
Two o’clock!
Raise the big, white tent!
Three o’clock!
Reginaldo does our hair!

[GOULD, spoken]
Now that sounds promising!

[EDITH]
Four o’clock!
Hang the Japanese lanterns!
Five o’clock!
Mix the champagne punch!

[JACKIE AND LEE]
Take the inchworms of the peonies!

[GOULD]
Pink umbrellas for the daiquiris!

[EDITH]
The Ambassador and Rose will tour the grounds.
Like a spread from house and garden!
She expounds!

[GOULD, spoken]
Oh, how nouveau riche!

[EDITH]
Have the piano tuned and moved outdoors,
By cocktail hour, mine, not yours!
And restrict yourself to grenadine!

[JACKIE AND LEE, spoken]
Nyah, Nyah!

[EDITH]
You cannot be sloshed

[ALL, sung]
At five-fifteen!

[Phone rings]

[BROOKS SR., spoken]
Beale residence.
Hold please!
Lady from the Hamptons Bee.

[EDITH, spoken]
Why hello Margaret!
Yes darling, half past five! Ha-hem.
Well everyone is simply at two o’clock going to come from Hyannis.
Well, the press table is going to be awfully crowded,
but if you don’t mind sharing a folding chair with Harper’s Bazaar!
Sing? Me? Heavens no! It’s Edie’s day,
not mine! Although people can be so insistent and I hate to disappoint!
Twist my arm, blackmail me, threaten my very life and who knows,
you might get a verse of something! Yes darling, half-past. Where were we?

[ALL]
One o’clock!

[EDITH]
Stake the droopy hydrangeas!

[ALL]
Two o’clock!

[EDITH]
Fill the Lotus pond!

[ALL]
Three o’clock!

[BIG EDIE]
Lock the cat up in its room!

[JACKIE AND LEE, spoken]
Aw! Poor kitty!

[ALL]
Four o’clock!

[EDITH, spoken]
Glaze the salmon in aspic!

[ALL]
Five o’clock!

[EDITH]
Crack the crab on ice!
With the privet pruned and manicured,
And my daughter’s future well-assured!
Grey Gardens will be decked up in its pride!
Little Edie will be here with Joe in time!
Like a Norman Rockwell family,
Our photo in the Hamptons Bee!

[GOULD]
The event of 1941!

[JACKIE AND LEE]
Of East, West, South, and Bridgehampton!

[EDITH]
Though perhaps I’ve overspent a bit,
The man who’s gonna pay for it

[ALL]
Is arriving on the five-fifteen!
Woo-woo!