Marry Well

[MAJOR, spoken]
Forgive me, ladies, but we live in perilous times
If you want to anchor yourself in an uncertain world
You’re only one recourse

(singing)
With your eye on the ball
And your feet on the fairway
Hit it high, little girls, marry well

[BROOKS. SR, spoken]
Fore!

[MAJOR]
Every point under par
Is a leg up the stairway
To the sky, little girls, marry well
Find a staunch young patrician republican
With the blood and the brains to excel
Like the fine strapping lad
Your late grandmama had
Meaning I, little girls
Marry well

(spoken)
Ridiculous woman, my daughter Edith!
Flying in the facе of every good solid value I еver tried to instill in her!
God knows I tried to teach her, teach all of my brood

[MAJOR & EDIE, spoken]
The hallmark of aristocracy is responsibility!

[MAJOR, spoken]
Edie, oh, the last hope of the great Bouvier clan!

[EDIE, spoken]
Oh, honestly!

[BROOKS. SR, spoken]
But Major Bouvier, the time

[MAJOR, spoken]
Oh alright, alright, I’m coming
Company fall in!
Ten-hut!

[EDIE]
Chair the ball for the blind

[LEE]
Treat your church to a steeple

[MAJOR, EDIE, JACKIE, LEE & BROOKS. SR]
Well endowed, little girls
Marry well

[EDIE]
Bail the met out of debt

[JACKIE]
Leave your art to the people

[ALL FIVE]
And the crowd will fall under your spell

[MAJOR]
But an unmarried lassie who’s fast and loose
Is a moose in a herd of gazelle

[JACKIE & LEE, spoken]
Pow!

[MAJOR]
Don’t be picked off the pack
With your head on a plaque
Do me proud little girls

[ALL FIVE]
Marry well

[MAJOR, spoken]
It’s your future that counts
They say greatness always skips a generation
Well, now it’s up to you to burnish the family crest
Took a good look at it, children, and remember

(singing)
This crest of our French royal providence
It took a while for it
We paid a pile for it
So don’t end up spinsters and dilettantes
The name Bouvier will surpass all others
All of your uncles, dads…

Edith does a high soprano vocalization offstage

And mothers

[LEE]
Picture Lee in Milan with a Prince and a villa

[MAJOR]
Sally forth, little girl

(spoken)
Very nice

[JACKIE]
Jackie B. in Paris, simply bathed in chinchilla

[EDIE]
As for me, Joe will more than suffice

[MAJOR, spoken]
Good girl!

(singing)
With a grandfather’s blessing, I wish you love
Someone there when your hair goes to grey
And I’ll strut in my spats
Down the aisle of St. Pat’s

[BROOKS. SR]
Marry high

[EDIE]
Marry proud

[JACKIE & LEE]
Nouveau riche ain’t allowed

[BROOKS. SR]
Upper class

[EDIE]
Upper crust

[LEE]
Standard oil and Morgan trust

[EDIE]
Marry young

[BROOKS SR.]
Marry chaste

[MAJOR]
Or if not, then in haste

[ALL FIVE]
Marry well and you’re well on your way!