The Cake I Had

[EDITH, spoken]
I have no complaints, I have everything I ever wanted

[EDIE, spoken]
You had a rich husband, you should’ve stayed with him

[EDITH, spoken]
I had a perfect marriage, beautiful children
Terribly successful marriage, I never had a fight in my life

[EDIE, spoken]
Ha!

[EDITH, spoken]
I had a very very happy, satisfying life

[EDIE, spoken]
Can’t be done
You can’t have your cake and eat it too, you can’t

[EDITH, spoken]
Oh yes I can!
I most certainly did have my cake and eat it
Down to the last crumb

(singing)
What good is cake you have but never eat?
I never could deny myself a sweet
So I sliced my life and licked the knife
And ate the cake I had

[EDIE, spoken]
Can’t be done, I’m telling you

[EDITH]
Two perfect sons I thoroughly enjoyed
An absent spouse and cats to fill the void
And the tristate’s best accompanist
Oh yes, I ate the cake I had

Moist, light, gaily decorated
Every tasty morsel
Savored, chewed and masticated
Young, bright, rich and thin and clever
Like a second helping?
Sister, would I ever?

[EDIE, spoken]
I’ll probably be an old maid until I die
I’ll sit around with cats the rest of my life

[EDITH, spoken]
When are you gonna learn, Edie?
You’re in this world, y’know
You’re not out of the world

(singing)
The days are gone when money grew on trees
The money tree came down with elm disease
But at my age, ducks, for my two bucks
I’ll eat the cake I have
And like it
I’ll eat the cake I have

[EDIE, spoken]
I think the saddest thing was my not marrying
During the war, my best friend, she was a nurse with the Red Cross
She met somebody overseas in a hospital
A marine
Lost both of his legs at Iwo Jima
Romance was inevitable really given the situation
But I couldn’t travel, mother wasn’t well during the war you see

[EDITH, spoken]
Gerald Gettys worshiped you!
And those two nice Rockefeller fellas

[EDIE, spoken]
Horrible, horrible!

[EDITH, spoken]
You just didn’t wanna get married!
Now it’s all blamed on me!

[EDIE, spoken]
I missed out on everything

[EDITH]
Gripe, groan, point the famous finger
Life is disappointing
Put the parent through the ringer
Sulk, moan, blame it on the mother
When I’m dead and buried
You won’t get another

[EDIE, spoken]
I met a count in Greenwich Village
He was a poet and a playwright and he said
“Edith, I wanna make an honest woman outta ya”
I thought that was very decent

[EDITH, spoken]
He didn’t have a nickel in his trousers, not a nickel

[EDIE, spoken]
Mother despised him, gave him the pink slip
To think, I could’ve been a countess
Countess Edith

[EDITH]
Enough with all your celebrated loves
You had two hands, you could’ve modeled gloves
Is it my fault that your cake fell flat?
That you’re unmarried, bald and fat?
As the world waltzed by and Edie sat
I ate the cake I had
And loved it
Oh, I ate the cake I had
No thanks to daddy
I ate the cake I had

[EDIE, spoken]
Sometimes I think I have the saddest life