Jerry Likes My Corn

[EDITH]
Jerry likes the way I do my corn
Isn’t he a treasure?

(spoken)
More corn?

(singing)
Look at how he chows right through my corn
It’s my only pleasure
I boil it on the hot plate
‘Til all the juice is gone
Bless his soul
He knows which side my corn is buttered on

Jerry lacks a mother’s tender care
Nobody to need him
Mothers now are barely ever there
Someone’s gotta feed him
The kinds of things that I like
His high school friends all scorn
Cottage cheese, chamomile
Doctor Norm and Vincent Pеale but
Jerry likes my corn

(spokеn)
The things you do for me, Jerry
You’re my Gibraltar

[JERRY, spoken]
The corn is outta this world

[EDITH, spoken]
Oh, did I do it nicely?!
He always compliments me on the way I do my corn!

(singing)
Jerry is a son like my own two

[EDIE]
Sons who never phone you

[EDITH, spoken]
More salt?

(singing)
Boys have more important things to do

[EDIE]
After they disown you

[EDITH]
And though he hardly says much
I understand his grunts
“Hey” means “hi,”
“Yo” means “yes”
Believe me, he’s no dunce

Anything that breaks, he knows which tool
Jerry is a fixer

(spoken)
Not her

(singing)
Happy hour starts right after school
Jerry, have a mixer
He tells me things the kids like
And I just feel reborn
Mountain Dew
Super Bowl
Sex and drugs and rock and roll but
Most of all my corn

(spoken)
Jerry, y’know what I’d like? Some music
I’m happier when I’m singing than anything I’ve ever done since I was born
See if you can find that song, you know, the one I just adore

[EDIE, spoken]
Let me help, mother darling, I’m extremely organized
I know exactly where to look for that record

[EDITH, spoken]
No, let Jerry!

[EDIE, spoken]
I’ve got it under control, kid, I can find it!

[EDITH, spoken]
Jerry can find things in this house right on this bed you couldn’t find for half an hour!

[EDIE, spoken]
I’m so sick of that kid
I mean, I have great pity for him, and I like him…

[EDITH, spoken]
The trouble is she’s madly in love with him
Oh, pardon me, but it’s true

[EDIE, spoken]
Well he might as well leave right now cuz he’s never gonna get it
So that’s it!

[EDITH, spoken]
Get what? Sex?! With you?!

[EDIE, spoken]
It’s all they’re after!
That’s all they’re after!

[EDITH, spoken]
An old person like you?!
Good God!

[EDIE, spoken]
Tomcats, all of ‘em
So you might as well tell him right now to forget about it!

[EDITH]
Jerry doesn’t want any sex with you!
Jerry likes his own age!

[EDIE, spoken]
Oh yes!

[EDITH]
Kids of seventeen to not pursue
Relics of the Stone Age!

[EDIE, spoken]
Believe me, I can tell these things!

[EDITH]
Jerry doesn’t want any sex with you!
Jerry isn’t crazy!
Adolescent girls now are easy lays
Same as Edie in her awkward phase
Jerry has a new girl every night
And not a one of them have cellulite

[EDIE, spoken]
He’s gonna be here for years and years and years

[EDITH, spoken]
He doesn’t want any sex with you!
Get out of here!

[EDIE, spoken]
I want the people I want in this house!

[EDITH, spoken]
Go away! You’re making me very angry!

(singing)
Jerry doesn’t fight like two fish wives
Jerry likes relaxing

(spoken)
Me too

(singing)
Now and then we play my 45’s
Hear the old sad sax sing
No picnic growing older
Abandoned and forlorn
Stuck in bed, stiff with gout
Alcoholic drinks are out
“You’ll die!” The doctors warn
Then quick as a wink
I’m in the pink
Cuz Jerry likes my corn

(spoken)
I tell you, that boy is a gift