Mother Darling

[EDIE, spoken]
Why, mother darling, what's this?

[EDITH, spoken]
Oh, dear, you weren’t supposed to see that, it was meant to be a surprise

[EDIE, spoken]
“Itty-Bitty Geisha”? “Toyland”? “Gypsy Pasodoble”?

[EDITH, spoken]
Just a few popular favorites

[EDIE, spoken]
You were planning to sing!

[EDITH, spoken]
It's not a party without music

[EDIE, spoken]
Mother darling

[EDITH, spoken]
Gould and I have been slaving away like a couple of Phoenicians

[EDIE, spoken]
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight… nine?

[EDITH, spoken]
Not counting encores

[EDIE]
Mother darling
Dearest mother darling
I am honored more than I can say
By this wondrous, truly
Verging on unduly
Heartfelt motherly display
And you know how much I love your singing
As I've said so many times before
Every Christmastime, every christening
Every time that you sing, I’m the first to shout “encore”
But mother darling
Let a daughter have her day

It's a day for me and all of us to shine
Though your "Apache Maiden Serenade" is too divine
The parents of the groom are just a wee bit formal
Help them think that we are normal
Mother darling, sing a little song
Not nine

[EDITH, spoken]
How sharper than a serpent's tooth!

[EDIE, spoken]
Please, mother darling!

[EDITH, spoken]
Who knows if we'll ever have another party
Why, everyone's leaving, it's your mother's swan song

(singing)
Edie, cupcake
Mama's precious treasure
I am slightly mystified to learn
Of your sudden, urgent
Dare I say insurgent
Dearth of daughterly concern
For you know how Gould and I adore you

[EDIE, spoken]
Yes

[EDITH]
And rehearsed for weeks on your behalf

[EDIE]
“Madame Butterfly”?
“Tosca’s Aria”?

[EDITH]
It’s my best

[EDIE]
Let it rest
I'll just die if people laugh

[EDITH, spoken]
Laugh?

[EDIE, spoken]
Decorum mother, that’s all I ask, the best singers, the real professionals, all know when to cede the stage! When she doesn't get exactly what she wants she positively spits venom! It's true! Pish posh, mother! You'll say anything to be dramatic, anything to garner attention!

[EDITH, spoken overtop]
Decorum? Well, you’re a fine one to talk to me about propriety, darling. You know when the headmistress called because you were wearing lipstick to school, temptation red, and only at thirteen! I can tell you, the entire house was blanketed with adolescent shame!

[GOULD, spoken]
Ladies!

[EDITH, spoken]
Gould!

[EDIE, spoken]
Mother!

[GOULD, spoken]
Please!

[EDITH & EDIE]
Let me get one word in!

[GOULD]
I'm surprised by both of you today

[EDITH]
Both of you are way...

[GOULD]
And this bossy

[EDIRH, spoken]
...out of line!

[GOULD]
Bratty

[EDITH & EDIE, spoken]
Bratty?

[GOULD]
Bordering on catty
Most unladylike melee

[EDIE]
Who's engagement is this anyway?!

[GOULD & EDITH]
After months and months of preparation

[GOULD]
You would think the program was resolved

[EDITH, spoken]
So ungrateful

[EDIE]
“Turkish Rhapsody”!

[EDITH, spoken]
Not the rhapsody!

[EDIE]
“Venice Barcarolle”!

[EDITH, spoken]
Not my Barcarolle, darling!

[EDIE]
This is out of control!
Tell her dear!

[KENNEDY]
Don't get me involved here!

[EDIE]
Mother darling!

[EDITH]
Edie, sweetheart!

[GOULD]
Talking to the wall

[EDIE]
Let's let daddy referee

[EDITH]
Darling daddy, where is he?

[KENNEDY]
Not where her should be

[ALL FOUR]
It's a day for me and all of us to shine

[GOULD]
May I suggest a compromise is very much in line?

[EDIE]
With moonlight on the waves
Delphiniums in flower
Save Puccini for the shower

[EDITH]
Edie, angel
Mother will sing eight
Not nine

[EDIE]
Fine

[EDITH, spoken]
Fine

[GOULD, spoken]
Fine

[ALL THREE, spoken]
Fine!