The Baseball Game

[TRINA, spoken]
Proud of you!

[Indistinct shouts of support for Jason from Marvin, Trina, Mendel, Charlotte, and Cordelia.]

[MARVIN, TRINA, MENDEL, CHARLOTTE & CORDELIA]
We're sitting
And watching Jason play baseball
We're watching Jason play baseball
We're watching Jewish boys
Who cannot play baseball, play baseball
We're watching Jewish boys
Who cannot play baseball play

[MARVIN]
I hate baseball, I really do
Unlike the rest of you
I hate baseball

[CHARLOTTE & CORDELIA]
We really wish he'd take this more seriously!

[MENDEL]
It's weird how he swings the bat!

[MARVIN]
It's weird how he swings the bat

[TRINA, MENDEL, CHARLOTTE & CORDELIA]
Oh!

[MARVIN]
And why does he have to throw like that?

[MARVIN, TRINA, MENDEL, CHARLOTTE & CORDELIA]
We're sitting
And watching Jason make errors
The most pathetical errors
We're watching Jewish boys
Who almost read Latin
Up, battin'
And battin' bad

[MENDEL]
Remember Sandy Koufax
You can do it if you wanna do it
Take heart from Hank Greenberg
It's not genetic
Even you can be copacetic
I think, I think
I think you can, I think you can

[MARVIN, TRINA, MENDEL, CHARLOTTE & CORDELIA]
We're sitting
And watching Jason play baseball
We're watching Jason play baseball!
We're watching Jewish boys
We're watching Jewish boys
We're watching
Slide, Jason
Slide, Jason
Slide!

[Whizzer enters.]

[MARVIN]
What is he doing here?

[TRINA]
What are you doing here?

[WHIZZER]
Jason asked me to come
Since he asked me to come, I came

[TRINA]
Just what I wanted at a Little League game
My ex-husband's ex-lover!
Isn't that what every mother dreams about
Having at a Little League game?

[MENDEL]
Looking at Whizzer is like eating trayf

[CORDELIA]
The kid was out!

[CHARLOTTE]
The kid was safe!

[CORDELIA]
The kid was out!

[CHARLOTTE, spoken]
That kid was safe!

[Marvin, Trina, and Mendel urge Charlotte to calm down.]

[WHIZZER, spoken]
Hey!

(sung)
I love baseball
I love Jason
That's what I'm doing here

[CHARLOTTE, spoken]
Hey, where the hell'd they get that umpire? Oops, sorry. Sorry!

[MARVIN]
Look who's here
Say hello

[WHIZZER, spoken]
Hello.​

[MARVIN]
You're looking sweeter than a donut

[WHIZZER, spoken]
Marvin.​

[MARVIN, spoken]
Whizzer.​

[WHIZZER]
Is he still queer?

[MARVIN]
Am I queer?

[TRINA]
I don't know!

[MENDEL]
Does it matter?

[MARVIN]
It's been so long since I could tell
Sit in front of me
I wanna see the bald spot!

(spoken)
C'mon, c'mon!

(sung)
Move in front of me
It gives me pleasure to see the bald spot!
Since it's the only
Physical imperfection that you've got
I wanna see it
I wanna touch it
I wanna run my hands through it!

[WHIZZER, TRINA, MENDEL, CHARLOTTE & CORDELIA]
We're sitting
And watch the kid as he misses!
We're watching Marvin throw kisses
We're watching sixty-seven pounders
Watching Jewish boys miss grounders

[MARVIN, WHIZZER, TRINA, MENDEL, CHARLOTTE & CORDELIA]
Watching boys field, boys bat
Boys this, boys that
Watching Jason on deck

[CHARLOTTE, spoken]
Come on!

[MARVIN, WHIZZER, TRINA, MENDEL, CHARLOTTE & CORDELIA]
Swinging the bat!

[TRINA, spoken]
Here we go, honey!

[MENDEL, spoken]
Woo!

[WHIZZER, spoken]
Hey, Jason!

[JASON, spoken]
Oh, hi, Whizzer! Glad you came!

[WHIZZER]
Keep your head in the box
Don't think of a thing
Keep your head in the box
Your eye on the ball
Take a breath, then let it out
And swing!

[CHARLOTTE, spoken]
That's what I'm talking about. That's how it's supposed to look!

[WHIZZER, MARVIN, TRINA, MENDEL, CHARLOTTE & CORDELIA, ALL]
Keep your head in the box (Keep your head in the box)
Don't think of a thing (Don't think of a thing)
Keep your head in the box (Keep your head in the box)
Your eye on the ball (Your eye on the ball)
Take a breath, then let it out
And swing!

[WHIZZER, spoken]
Okay, go get 'em!

[JASON, spoken]
Thanks, Whizzer!

[MARVIN]
Even bald, he looks good

[WHIZZER]
Just remember he's psychotic

[MARVIN]
He looks damn good, but he's cheap as dirt

[WHIZZER]
Even maniacs can charm
Which he does, so beware

[MARVIN]
And just be careful

[WHIZZER]
When he smiles that smile, avoid him
Or else sound the alert!

[MARVIN, spoken]
Whizzer?

[WHIZZER, spoken]
Marvin?

[MARVIN, spoken]
Do you think there's any hope for the kid?

[WHIZZER, spoken]
I love Jason, but this is... not his venue.​

[Marvin laughs.]

[WHIZZER, MARVIN, BOTH]
How could I know (How could I know)
Without him
My life would be boring as shit?

[COMMENTATOR, spoken]
Batter up!

[MARVIN]
But it is

[TRINA, MENDEL, CORDELIA, CHARLOTTE, spoken simultaneously]
Jason! You got this, buddy! Come on, buddy! Come on!

[WHIZZER, spoken]
Jason, you gotta stand a little closer to the plate!

[CORDELIA, spoken]
Next to it.​

[MARVIN]
Yes, it is

[CHARLOTTE, spoken]
Get in there!

[MARVIN, spoken]
He's gonna be hit by the ball!

[MARVIN & WHIZZER]
Please, God, don't let me make the same mistake!

[MARVIN, WHIZZER, TRINA, MENDEL, CHARLOTTE & CORDELIA]
We're sitting
And watching Jason, the batter
We know our cheering won't matter
It is the very final inning
And the other team is winning
And there's two outs, two strikes
But the bases are loaded and

[MARVIN]
Would it be possible to see you, or to kiss you
Or to give you a call?

[WHIZZER, TRINA, MENDEL, CHARLOTTE & CORDELIA]
Anything's possible

[MARVIN, WHIZZER, TRINA, MENDEL, CHARLOTTE & CORDELIA]
Jason hit
The ball!

(spoken)
Run!