A Day in Falsettoland / Racquetball

[WHIZZER, spoken]
A day in Falsettoland: Dr. Mendel at work.​

[MENDEL]
I don't get it
I don't understand
In the '60s, everyone had heart
In the '60s, we were all a part of the same team
In the '60s, we had a new world to start
Could this
Oh God, don't say it is
Could this be the new world we started?
Here I sit, brokenhearted and

[CAROLINE, spoken]
You go out on the street, and there's all these people asking for a handout. Then you go home, you open your mail, and it's full of people asking for a donation. Then, you turn on the TV, and there's pictures of starving children in Ethiopia.​

[MENDEL, spoken]
And how does that make you feel, Diane?

[CAROLINE, spoken]
Caroline.​

[MENDEL, spoken]
Caroline?

[CAROLINE, spoken]
Yes, my name is Caroline.​

[MENDEL]
I don't get it
I've been left behind
Half my patients
Yuppie pagans
Modeled on the Ronald Reagans
Now the world is too pathetic
And I don't get it at all!

[CAROLINE, spoken]
Now that I got the promotion, can I finally stop sleeping with my boss?

[MENDEL, spoken]
Time's up!

[CAROLINE, spoken]
Oh— You always do this.​

[MENDEL]
At least there's Trina at home
Trina in bed
Trina obsessing
And sort of caressing
My head with her feet
I once thought it was sweet
But I don't anymore
Now I just snore
'Cause I'm so exhausted
Listening to these yuppie farts complain
Listening as their shallow hearts explain
Their lives

[CHARLOTTE, spoken]
Trina works it out.​

[TRINA]
Marvin's back with Whizzer
Just like how it was
If I don't like Whizzer
It's because my ex
Sure does

Why should that upset me?
Sometimes I'm a lout
Mendel serenades, and Jason calms me
Why should I be wilting
When their precious love
Is not in doubt?
Work it out!

[JASON, spoken]
The neighbors relax after work.​

[CORDELIA]
How was your day at the hospital?

[CHARLOTTE]
Unbelievable
What is that smell?

[CORDELIA]
Nouvelle bar mitzvah cuisine
I've been practicing
Cuisine, bar mitzvah, nouvelle

[Cordelia hands Charlotte some food. Mendel joins Trina, now also dressed to work out.]

[MENDEL, spoken]
Hi, honey

[CORDELIA]
Well?

[TRINA]
Hi, honey.​

[MENDEL]
How was your day?

[TRINA]
It was terrible
Did you hear that
Marvin's back with Whizzer?
Marvin's back with Whizzer!

[MENDEL]
Drop it, sweetheart
Give it up
You know I love you
What's the matter
Trina darling?
I don't get it
Why can't you let go?

[TRINA]
Maybe in a mile, I'll be okay
I'll be happy when we finally have this bar mitzvah

[MENDEL]
Isn't it enough
I want you every night?

[TRINA, spoken]
Who?

[MENDEL]
Every other night?

[TRINA, spoken]
Me?

[MENDEL]
Every third night?

[Trina laughs.]

[MENDEL, spoken]
Let's drop it.​

(sung)
Everything will be alright

[TRINA]
Oh, everything will be alright

[MENDEL & TRINA]
Everything will be alright!

[Cordelia pours Charlotte a martini.]

[CORDELIA]
How was your day
At the hospital?

[CHARLOTTE]
It was wonderful
For the first time in months
Nobody died

[CORDELIA, spoken]
Yay!

[CHARLOTTE]
There were just
Heart attacks and gallstones
Light bulbs up the ass
Fake appendicitis which was gas
Which I diagnosed
People overdosed and I saved them

I saved young people, old people
One priest and one high school principal
Saving lives, I feel invincible
Yes I do
Do you know how great my life is?
Do you know how great my life is?
Saving lives and loving you

[CORDELIA]
You save lives
And I save chicken fat
I can't fucking deal with that!

[CHARLOTTE]
Do you know how great my life is?

[CORDELIA, MENDEL & TRINA]
Yes, I know how great your life is (Everything will be alright)

[CHARLOTTE]
Do you know how great my life is?

[CORDELIA, MENDEL & TRINA]
Yes, I know how great your life is (Everything will be alright)

[CHARLOTTE]
Do you know how great my life is?

[CORDELIA, MENDEL & TRINA]
Yes, I know how great (Everything will be alright)

[CHARLOTTE]
Saving lives

[CHARLOTTE & CORDELIA]
And loving you

[Marvin and Whizzer enter, dressed for Racquetball and holding racquets. Whizzer is all in white, looking great. Marvin is in baggy and colorful jams, looking baggy. No ball is used; rather, when they make a shot, the racquet scrapes the floor and sounds like a ball ricocheting off a racquet. Their scene is played in the court. In the course of the scene, Whizzer decimates Marvin, as you would expect.]

[WHIZZER]
It bounced twice

[MARVIN]
No, it didn't

[WHIZZER]
Yeah, once, then twice
You know it did

[MARVIN]
That's not nice

[WHIZZER]
No, it isn't
But you're a pain in the ass

[MARVIN]
You're a beast
But, at least
When you play me, you win

[WHIZZER]
You give up

[MARVIN]
I perspire

[WHIZZER]
Where's the heat?
Where's the fire?
Used to be you desire to fight!
So fight!

[MARVIN]
So play!

[Whizzer doesn't move an inch; he's in total control. Marvin is killing himself trying to get his racquet on the ball.]

[WHIZZER]
One-two-three-four!

[MARVIN]
One-two-three-four!

[WHIZZER]
One-two-three-four!

[MARVIN]
One-two-three-four!

[WHIZZER]
One-two-three-four!

[MARVIN]
One-two-three-four!

[WHIZZER]
One-two-three-four!

[MARVIN]
One-two-three-four!

[Finally, by mistake, Marvin hits a good shot.]

[WHIZZER]
Lucky dink!

[MARVIN]
I'm finessing

[WHIZZER]
Something stinks in how you play

[MARVIN]
Don't you think it's a blessing
I'm so pathetically bad?

[WHIZZER]
Just stay back
Serve with force
I'll attack
And, of course
I will win
Just give in
To bliss
And kiss

[MARVIN]
Let's go!

[MARVIN, WHIZZER]
Do you know? (Down the alley!)
All I want (High lob!)
Is you (Low drive!)
Anything you do (Ceiling shot!)
Is all right (Ha, into the corner!)
Yes, it's all right (Oh!)
Do you know? (Four walls!)
All I want is you

[WHIZZER]
Hit your shoe

[MARVIN]
No, it didn't

[WHIZZER]
Yes it did
The game is through

[MARVIN]
That's not nice

[WHIZZER]
No, it isn't

[MARVIN]
God, you're a pain in the ass

[WHIZZER]
Play it raw
Don't play pretty
Sex and games
In New York City
Have got to be played with flair
And passion
And passion and flair

[MARVIN & WHIZZER, CHARLOTTE & CORDELIA, MENDEL & TRINA]
Do you know (Do you know how great my life is?)
​All I want is you? (Do you know how great my life is?)
Anything you do (Saving lives) (Everything will be)
​Is alright (And loving you) (Alright)
Yes it's alright (Everything will be alright)
Everything will (Everything will) (Everything will)
Everything will (Be alright) (Be alright)
Everything will (Everything will) (Everything will)
Everything will (Everything will) (Be)

[ALL]
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Feel alright
Feel alright

[MARVIN & WHIZZER with CHARLOTTE, CORDELIA, MENDEL & TRINA]
Feel alright (Rest of your life!) (Feel feel)
For the rest of your life (Feel feel)
Feel alright (Alright! Woo!) (Feel feel)
For the rest of your life (Feel feel)
Feel alright (Rest of your life!) (Feel feel)
For the rest of your (Feel feel)
Rest of your

[ALL]
Everything will be alright!