My Father’s a Homo / Everyone Tells Jason to See a Psychiatrist

[JASON]
My father's a homo
My mother's not thrilled at all
Father homo =
What about chromosomes?
Do they carry?
Will they carry?
Who's the homo now?
My father said that one day I'll grow up to be president
And that idea's not so wild
I don't live the life of a normal child

'Cause I'm too smart for my own good
And I'm too good for my sorry little life
My mother's no wife
And my father's no man
No man, at all

[TRINA, spoken]
Honey, why don't you go out and play?

[JASON, spoken]
No!

[Jason begins to play chess with himself. Quickly playing one side, turning the board, moving a piece, turning the board again, etc.]

[TRINA]
Sweetheart, I worry
Sweetheart, I do
I worry a lot
I worry a lot
I worry a lot

(spoken)
I could take you to the Jewish center?

[Jason mocks throwing up.]

[TRINA]
I think you like playing chess alone
That's not normal

[JASON]
What is normal?

[TRINA, spoken]
I wouldn't know.​

(sung)
Why don't you speak on the telephone
With anyone, just get a friend
Anyone

Darling, please, see a psychiatrist
He's quite a guy
And I admire how he acts
No one is saying you're a sick neurotic
But you could find some help
Hear me out, please
Yes, you could find some help
He could help you realize

How confused you are is very clear
Daddy's sincere
But a schmo!
You and I must trust our emotions
Make no commotions
Will you go?

[JASON, spoken]
No!

[MARVIN]
Jason, please see a psychiatrist
He's just a psychiatrist
I'll pay the bill until you're old

[TRINA, MARVIN, JASON]
Darling please listen ​to your father here (Jason)
He's not a genius type (​Please see ​a psychiatrist) (I won't go)
Lord knows, but he ​knows (He's just ​a psychiatrist)
What's true (I will not go)
He chose a man who I ​think knows the answers (I'll pay the ​bill)
​To all your problems (Never never never never)
Mendel understands (Until) (Never never never never)
What's bothering you (You're old)

[JASON, spoken]
Forget it!

[ALL]
What a mess this is
This family!
Experts can see
This is so!

[Photo flash.]

Photographs can't
Capture our magic
We're simply tragic!

[MARVIN & TRINA]
Will you go?

[JASON, spoken]
No!

[MARVIN & TRINA]
Jason, please see a psychiatrist!
He's not

[JASON]
I won't say boo!

[MARVIN & TRINA]
Exorbitant
And he's very smart!

[JASON]
If intelligence were the only criteria
Then I wouldn't really need a psychiatrist, would I?

[TRINA, spoken]
No.​

[JASON]
Would I?

[MARVIN, spoken]
No.​

[JASON]
Just because you failed as parents

[Trina gasps.]

[TRINA]
Get thee to a psychiatrist!

[MARVIN]
Hey, kid, listen!

[JASON]
I don't need

[TRINA & MARVIN]
He needs a psychiatrist!

[JASON]
I want

[TRINA & MARVIN]
A psychiatrist!

[JASON]
I wanna speak with Whizzer!

[MARVIN]
Speak with whom?

[JASON]
With Whizzer

[MARVIN]
With Whizzer?

[TRINA]
With Whizzer

[JASON]
With Whizzer

[MARVIN, spoken]
Oh my god...

[TRINA, MARVIN & JASON]
Whizzer!
Whizzer!
Whizzer!
Whizzer!

[Whizzer kneels between Marvin and Jason.]

[JASON]
Whizzer, do you think I should see a psychiatrist?

[Whizzer laughs.]

[WHIZZER]
I'm not sure, Jason

[Marvin flicks Whizzer at the back of his head.]

[WHIZZER, spoken]
Ow!

(sung)
Jason, maybe so

[Trina clears her throat.]

[WHIZZER]
Absolutely, Jason

[JASON]
Okay, I'll go

[WHIZZER]
He'll go

[JASON]
I'll go

[TRINA]
He'll go!

[JASON]
If he comes here

[MARVIN]
If he comes here?

[TRINA]
He might come here

[MARVIN]
They don't make house calls

[Whizzer's watch alarm begins beeping.]

[WHIZZER, spoken]
Oh!

[Whizzer turns off the alarm.]