Esther

[Segue]
My metabolism just shut down
Oh, my God. I got a nice gut going on
Ugh, Yeah, Esther is out of control
Woo!

[Bit 1: Wanda & Esther]
Yes, I call her Esther
When I was in my forties, I got this little fat roll, I just named it
That was Esther, and now Esther is spreading
Esther is roaming around my body
Esther's all creeping around my back, like
“Mm, what’s back here? Let's see what's back here. Heyyy.”

And she wants to eat everything, You know?
And, you know, when you get older, your digestive system changes. I can’t eat a bunch of junk, like greasy food and shit like that, That'd tear me up
But Esther's… We sitting there watching TV, commercials come on, and Esther's like
“Mmm. Let's live a little, Let's- Let's go get some of them Taco Bell Nacho Fries.”

I was like
“Ain't no way in the world I can eat some Nacho Fries.”
If I got some Taco Bell Nacho Fries, I would have to eat them in the parking lot of the urgent care

I caught my wife eyeballing Esther the other day, That didn’t feel good at all
We were getting ready for bed, you know, brushing our teeth
You know, brushing my teeth. I’ve got an electric toothbrush and the jiggling from brushing my teeth just kind of… resonated on down, so Esther was just…

And I saw my wife look over like…
I was like, “Uh-oh, uh-oh.”
But it's okay, Esther can’t stand her either
Esther was like
“What the fuck you looking at, Frenchie?” “Don't worry, one day, you gonna get a little Estelle. Bonjour, Estelle.”

It's the worst, Whiskers, weight gain, hot flashes
I know, one day, TMZ, they're going to catch me standing in the frozen food section with no pants on and a full beard

But I won’t give a fuck, I'll be like
“My balls were hot.”

But, you know, there's help, you know
There's a solution
Like, a lot of women, they just take the estrogen, Just take the hormone
But, see, I can't take the estrogen
I can't take the hormone because of the type of breast cancer I had, yeah
But the irony of it all is like when… You know, because I curse and stuff

When people say to me
“Hey, Wanda, would it kill you to be a little more ladylike?”

I go
“Yes.” “It would.”
“It really would.”

[Bit 2]
I'm snoring now
That's different, yep
Snoring, You know, my wife, boy, God bless her, putting up with it
You know, 'cause, at first, it started off with just some deep breathing, you know. Just like… *Snoring sounds*

And then it quickly escalated to… *Snoring sounds*

How do I know? Because my wife records it
That doesn't feel good
That doesn't feel good, yeah

‘Cause, you know, like, during the day, I'll get, like, a text message from my wife with an audio file
And I get all excited. I'm like
“Oh, my baby loves me. She even…” *Snoring sounds*

It's bad, ‘cause, you know, you wake up in the middle of the night and she's out of the bed
I'm like, “Uh-oh.” I got to go look for her
Like
“Ooh, did she leave me this time? What's going on?” “Oh, no, okay, she's over there with the kids, All right, okay. Cool, cool.” Yeah. You know, she wears the earplugs, and that doesn't help
So she was like
“You know what, babe? I think maybe if I take, like, some Ambien or something, that could help.”

I'm like
“No, no, no. You can't take Ambien, because, you know, those drugs, you'll wake up and do things you don't even know you're doing. You know, like suffocating me to death.”

I don't want to wake up, I'm chewing on a pillow
Or she's shoving Vicks down my throat Argh!

So I was like, “Let me check with my doctor.”
So I went to the doctor
I was like, you know
“I got to do something, man. I got to do something about this.”

And he was like
“Well, you know, first, you got to lose some weight, Wanda.”

And Esther was like
“Fuck you, I want some Nacho Fries!”

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
And he goes
“You know what? You could stop drinking.” “What else you got?”

And he goes
“You know what, Wanda? I want to test you for sleep apnea. I want to test you for sleep apnea, because judging from the recordings, uh…”

“Oh, man, that's fucked up.”

He said
“Yeah, I think you have sleep apnea.”
So I'm like, “No, no, I don't want to take that test, because if, uh, I have sleep apnea, then you're going to put me on one of those CPAP machines.” I said, “I can't do that. You know, my wife is ten years younger than I am. I can't be in the bed with a fucking Darth Vader mask on. You know? Looking like an astronaut or shit. I can't…”

You know, I said
“It's bad enough I'm already in the bed, you know… hot flashes with a gut and a beard coming in.” “Now you want me in the bed with that mask on?”

[Closer]
“Do you want to sit on my face?”
Thank you, New York!
Yes! Thank you.