Not Normal

Ladies and gentlemen… Wanda Sykes!

[Intro]
Yes. Yes. Thank you. New York. New York.
Oh, my goodness.
So… let me just start by saying…
If you voted for Trump…
…And you came to see me…
…You fucked up again

[Bit 1]
This shit’s not normal, y’all. It’s not normal.
Come on, the lying, the tweeting, the playdates with dictators
Come on, this shit is not normal
It’s not normal that I know that I’m smarter than the president
That’s not normal.

Come on, in the Mueller investigation, how does he not know that he’s Individual Number One?
Come on, everybody who’s been indicted or goin' to jail: Papadopoulos, Gates, Flynn, Manafort, it all says in the Muеller report that they co-conspirеd with Individual Number One
Motherfucker, that’s you!

All right, Now… If everybody you come in direct contact with… gets herpes...
Wouldn’t you be like, “Am I giving everybody herpes?”
But no, President Trump tweets, “All clear.” “Too bad for Individual Number One, Hashtag sad.”

No, motherfucker. You have herpes! You are patient zero.
Trump doesn't— He doesn’t even look presidential
Alright— He doesn’t look presidential
He— It looks like he’s doing an impersonation of a president
He doesn’t know what to do with his hands, even the way he stands there, he’s just like… *Mimes Trump*

He looks like those things that you put out in front of the car wash. You know…
Shit’s not normal, y’all.
It’s not normal.

[Bit 2]
Here’s another thing that’s not normal:
Presidents, they've all age while in office, right?
They age while in office, because the job is so fucking stressful that it affects you physically.
We’ve seen it:

Obama… First two years, President Obama went totally gray
His face started drooping, He got all droopy in the face.
One time, I was like, “Is that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? Who the fuck…” “Is that what… Misha, is that Kareem? What the hell?”

George W. Bush, he shrunk four inches
At one point, he was looking like Gollum from The Lord of the Rings, “Ah, my precious! My precious!”

Bill Clinton, He grew that bulb on the tip of his nose
What the fuck was that?
Bill Clinton looked like the man on the Operation board

But not Trump, Nope. Mm-mm. He’s on executive time
Trump hasn’t aged, but we have.

He is fucking us up
Everybody’s looking older, My God.
I was in my car, I saw a billboard: “Cher, Vegas”
I was like, “Oh, shit, that’s on my bucket list. I’m going.”
I get to the stop light, I look back up, I was like… “Oh, damn, that’s Ariana Grande. What the hell?”

He’s fucking us up
You know how they say some women have resting bitch face?
Well, Trump has given me resting “What the fuck?” face
Every morning, I’m looking in the mirror like, “What the fuck is th-?"
What…” I got crow’s feet, I got a fucking divot in my forehead, like-
He has cracked black
That’s… That’s damn near impossible
I was like, “We got to get rid of him, Two more years, I’ma to look like Cicely Tyson.”
She look good, but I ain’t ready
I ain’t ready to go there.

[Bit 3]
If someone offered me a deal tonight and said, “Wanda, here’s your deal: You keep Trump for two more years… or we’ll switch him out tonight with R&B singer Bobby Brown…”
Without batting an eye, I’m taking Bobby Brown
I’m taking Bobby Brown
Bobby Brown is a proven talent, We know what he can do. Right? Trump, uh-uh

[Segue]
We respect Bobby Brown
Nobody respects Trump, You know how I know they don’t respect him?

[Bit 4]
Because they let him walk up on Air Force One with toilet paper on the back of his shoe.
You would stop a stranger to get toilet paper off their shoe.
I’ve been in airports and, like, tracked people down for ten gates…
Like, oh… To get this toilet paper off your shoe
I bet you there’s been murderers on their way to the electric chair… passing the guards with toilet paper on their shoes…
And, the guards are like, “Yeah, you motherfucker, you deserve all of this. I hope… Oh, hold up, man, hold on. Let me get this off your shoe.”
“Can’t let you go out like that.”
“It’s embarrassing, man.”

Trump passed Marine guards… on his way, Marine guards
These people see everything; They are the sharpest motherfuckers on the planet
But they let him ascend… Up to Air Force One, the plane that represents America… with toilet paper on the back of his shoe
And, they just stood there,

“You see that?”

“Yeah, I see it. I see it.” “I think it’s a good look for him.”

And he’s always on Air Force One, never in the White House
Always running off, Mar-a-Lago or somewhere, costing us all kind of money

[Segue]
Hey, I was like, “We should just put the White House on Airbnb.” “Maybe we’ll get somebody good in there.”
His whole family is costing us money

[Bit 5]
Yeah, did you know that we pay for a Secret Service detail for Tiffany Trump?
Exactly, who the fuck is Tiffany Trump?
Nobody’s gonna mess with Tiffany Trump
She ain’t on our radar
Shit, she ain’t even on Trump’s radar
We don’t give a shit about Tiffany Trump
Don’t wanna be paying for Secret Service
All she needs is a mall cop on a Segway, Just this motherfucker.

“Oh, not the stairs, Tiff, not the stairs.”