Black Friend

[Segue]
They booked a homeless man to go on Naked and Afraid
That tells me that there was no black people in the room. When they made that decision, a black person was not present, ’cause they’d have been like this, “Wait a minute, you booking a black… Are you out of your damn mind?” That’s fucked up, yeah

You need a black friend
You need a black friend
It’s 2019, If you don’t have a black friend… you’re the problem

[Bit]
But if you don’t have one, I understand, I understand
It’s scary, It is
Because of how we’ve been portrayеd, Right?
Black people have always been portrayеd as sinister, menacing, a threat, yeah
I don’t know if you’ve heard about this story in Chicago
A black security guard, right, at a club… There was a shooting
The black security guard apprehended the shooter
The cops show up, shoot the black security guard, yeah
‘Cause all they saw was a black man
Why can’t we be the good guy? (Right - Yeah!)
Black people, we need a better publicist
No, fuck that we need a publicist
I want the publicist that the white guys use
That publicist kicks ass
That publicist is the best 'cause they know how to spin it
Even when white guys fuck up, they can spin it… in a way you won’t think, “Oh, all white guys are fucked up.” No. ‘Cause they make them individuals
You know, crazy white guy shoots up a movie theater, they give you his backstory, Right?
They tell- They tell you where he went to school, “Oh, he was a loner.” They put a picture up in the news of him that’s so sympathetic, I’m watching news, I’m like, “Oh, man…” “He shoulda called me.”

We need a better publicist
Yeah, I want... I want... I want a campaign
A campaign for black people, Right?
How about, like, some billboards all across the country of black people just doing fun, non-threatening, frivolous shit?
Just black people just, like, bowling

How about some slogans?
You know, like “Toys for Tots.”
How about a good slogan for black people?
“Hey, let’s get black to business.”
I like that
Or, maybe, you know, something environmental, like show black people just taking out the recycling can, you know, like…“We’re black, but we’re green.”

You need a black friend
Get a black friend, you’ll learn some shit
Like, here- here’s an easy one, you should know this one
Never touch a black woman’s hair, Yes
Never… touch a black woman’s hair, I don’t give a fuck if she has a tarantula sitting on her head
You… Let it bite her

Here’s another one, Here’s another one I’ll give y’all
White people, you go and you get a tan
You get a nice tan, you been on vacation
Do not go back to your job and go up to your black coworker…

“Hey, Denise.” “I’m almost there.” “Hey, girlfriend, I’m almost there.”
We hate that shit, and we secretly wish bad black shit happens to you when you do it
“I’m almost there.”

Mm-hmm. “I hope you get sickle cell.”

I know some of y’all are like, “Well, Wanda, what about black people who don’t have white friends?”
I’m okay with that

A lot of trust has been broken, but I do encourage them
I do, I say, “Come on, guys, let’s break this up
Come on, Spread out, Open it up a little bit.” You know, I tell them, “Ease into it. Start off with a Puerto Rican.”
“They’re cool. Come on.”