Unflustered Parents

[Skit: Dad, Mum]
Did you mention to Jill how much Ted liked his Lego? He’s made a great spaceship.
She's a bit worried, ‘cause it said eight to ten year-olds on the box.
Yeah, but he’s pretty bright for a six year-old.
Mm.
Incidentally, did he come home from school today?
No.. no he didn’t. Should’ve been home about six hours ago.
Mm. That’s odd, isn’t it?
Do you think we should call someone?
Nah. (yawning) He probably just decided to stay overnight at the school.

Ted? No. Haven’t seen him for about two weeks. Heh. Yeah. Well if you see him, tell him to pop home. Okay, see you Friday.
(puts down phone)
Dinner with Simon on Friday.
Shall I book a babysitter?
No. He’s not going to turn up now. You don’t suppose he thought we were picking him up from school?
Uh, maybe I’d better give Mrs Hill a call, and just check if he’s been standing outside for a couple of weeks.
Mm. Good idea.
(dials phone)
Hello, hi. Yes, it’s Sue Belgium here. Just calling about Ted in primary three? Mm. Um, we just wondered if he’d been hanging around outside the school waiting to be picked up. Really? She saw a bloke pick him up. Yeah. Handled him quite roughly, apparently.
And the man had a car?
Yeah.
Mm.
Right.
Good.
Yes.
It was horribly rainy.
Yes.
Do you think the man knew about his eczema?
Ye—sorry, Mrs Hill, you don’t know if this man knew that Ted was on goat’s milk only, do y—no, just wondered. So he, really bundled him into the back? Yes, yes. Okay. Well thanks a lot. Will do. Buh-bye.
(puts phone down)
Sounds like we’ll find him in the woods then.
Mm.
Okay, pass the phone. I’ll get some of the lads to have a look on Saturday morning. Yeah, Mike? David. Alright, how’s Jill? Yeah? Yeah, we’ll have to do that again. Listen, Mike. Um, you watching the match at the pub on Saturday? You couldn’t join me and some of the lads to crawl around the woods before kick-off? Yeah, Ted’s gone missing. About two weeks. He was picked up from school by some dodgy-sounding bloke. Can you do that? Oh, great. Bring a spade. Yeah, ‘bout two o’clock. Great. Cheers.
(puts phone down)
Do you think you’ll need a spade?
Well, I don’t know if he’ll have been buried or, just been left out.
Be easier if he’s been left out.
Yeah. Fucking lot easier.

(phone rings)
(phone picked up)
Hello? Speaking. Oh, have you? Right. They’ve found a body, love.
Oh!
Yeah. Yeah, um...can’t really come over this evening. Um, some time next week? Mm. They want us to go over and identify him.
Couldn’t they bring him round?
Yes, um, could you bring him over? Well we’re just sort of, doing something at the moment. Um, what about bunging him in a cab? Alright.
What about his glasses?
Oh, yeah. Um, has he got blue, plastic-framed glasses on? Oh, well, I’m pretty sure that’s him then. Blue frames, mm. Make him look rather studious, yeah. Sounds like him. Well, that’s good enough for us, yeah. So, what do you do now, um, chuck him away? Oh. Can’t you just—mm, yeah, I suppose. Alright, well we’ll see what we can do. Okay, thanks a lot. Cheers.
(puts phone down)
What was that, love?
We’ll have to pick him up and bury him.
Did they say what he’d been doing?
Well, it sounds like he was buggered quite a lot, and then strangled.
That’s a bit much.
Yeah, apparently, it was that bloody Mike Holland that did it. I’ll have a word with him, next time I see him.
Yeah, well you can tell him I’m pretty pissed off, as well.
Mike Holland...
Well. Always thought he was a bit of a twit.
Yeah.