Doc Cock

[Skit: Doctor, Man, Alison]
(knocking on door)
Come in.
(door opens)
Ah, good morning.
(door closes)
Morning.
Sit down, and have a seat and sit down.
Thanks.
Right. Now, uh, what seems to be the problem?
I’ve, erm, had a headache for about two weeks now. And, uh, seems to be pretty constant.
Hmm.
And I’ve got blocked sinuses. But it also goes round the back as well.
Right.
And um, I feel dizzy, quite a lot.
Mm, how are your ears?
Mm, they’re okay.
Right. And how big is your wanger?
Sorry?
I’ll need to have a look at your old chap.
Oh really?
Yes.
What, is it something to do with it?
Yes—um, get down, let’s have a look.
(rustling, zipper being pulled)
Well. Yes. That’s not bad. Um, can I just um—
(Man draws breath)
Mm, yes, good weight.
Um, is this—
Yes. good density.
Um.
Uh, can you swing it around a bit? Swing your hips. Make it slap against your thighs.
Uh, fine.
(quiet slapping sound)
Mm. Good solid mass. Uh, double the speed. Good.
Erm, doctor, I’m just—not sure if—
Uh, keep going. Now, mine, look.
(zipping)
Um—
Well, it’s nice, but not the same—uh, keep going—uh, kind of more, slinky.
Uh, can I stop now?
This is quite important—um, do you understand what I’m doing?
Uh, no.
I’m piecing together a holistic puzzle. Now, could you just keep that going?
(slapping)
(dialing telephone)
Hello, Sarah? Yes, could you ask Dr Basingstoke to pop through? Thanks.
Please, can I stop now?
No, just keep swinging, or—uh, jump up and down.
(MAN sighs and starts jumping)
Ah, yes, that’s powerful. Do that too much it’ll swing right up your arse. Look, I can get mine to go up my arse as well!
(door opens)
Ah! Alison, look at this!
Oh dear, not again...
Keep going! Oh look at that, Alison!
Michael.
Synchronised cocks!
Michael, stop this.
They’ve almost got the same lob rate!
Michael.
Harmony of knobs!
Michael.
(slap)
Ow!
Now stop it.
Really?
Yes! You too.
(jumping stops)
Oh. Thanks.
But it’s great!
I know, but it’s not— Look, I’m, I’m sorry about this. Uh, just put your things back on.
(rustling)
Um. Is that not necessary then?
Not particularly.
Oh.
You too, please, Michael. Pants first.
Bloody hell.
Right, is it, uh, Nick?
Yeah, Nick Foster.
Uh, just pop through to the waiting room, Nick, and we'll fix you up another appointment.
Right.
(door opens and closes)
Michael, this has got to stop.
Has it?
Yes!
He didn't mind!
He was furious!
Was he?
You're going to get into trouble.
Yeah. I suppose you're right.
If you want to talk about it, I've always got time.
Thanks, Alison.
It's okay. See you later.
Alison?
Yeah?
I've probably got about three more goes at this before I get reported, haven't I?
Michael!
Please?
No.
Please?
Two more.
Oh, thanks!