Fixit Girl

[Skit: Man, Maria, Neighbour]
(sniffling)
(walking)
Hello?
(muffled) Hello!
Are you Maria?
Yes!
Okay, come in.
(door shuts)
Where's the body?
Here.
How did it happen?
(exhale) Uh, we had a fight. Fell down the stairs. Banged his head on the stair.
Alright. Listen carefully and do exactly as I say. I need buckets, a saw, an axe, if you've got one, a bread knife, mops, rubber gloves, and some juice.
Juice?
Yes, please. Orange, please.
(shuffling, footsteps)
Hurry up!
Okay! Sorry!
(heavy breathing)
(clattering)
Right. Now, everything I cut off, you put in the bucket.
(exhale)
Feet first. Hold his shin.
(cut)
(screaming in agony)
Fuck, shit!
(three gunshots)
You just fucking killed him!
Shut up!
Just shot him!
Shut up!
He was still alive!
(slap)
Be fucking quiet!
(under breath) Shit, shit, shit.
(phone rings)
Get the phone.
(phone is picked up)
Hello. Yes?
Who is it?
(whispering) It's one of the neighbours.
Tell him it was the boiler.
Yeah, yeah, it was the boiler. No, no, yeah, no, it was, it was the boiler, yeah-
(takes phone)
It was the fucking boiler, now mind your fucking business!
(puts phone down)
What did you do that for?
Shut up and help me saw up the man!
But I can't do that..
Don't argue, just chop him up!
(sawing through flesh)
(laboured breathing)
We're in a real hurry now.
(doorbell)
Answer it and tell them to go away.
(footsteps)
Uh, hello.
Everything alright, sir? We heard there were some loud bangs.
Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
You mind if I come in for a moment?
Well, its..
There was a-- what's that? Oh my god.
Yeah. Um, yeah, there's been an accident.
He killed the man.
What?
What, love?
He killed the man.
You-
Is that right, sir?
I hired her-- I hired you to sort this out!
I think you'd better come with us, sir..
And you fucked it up!
I am only four!
Come on, sir.
You said you could sort it out!
I did try!
You said you've done this before!
I am only four!
I'll fucking get you!
I am... four years and three months.
(sticky footsteps)
(singing) Ooh, chopped up man... chopped up man... chop-chop man... chop-chop man... chop-chop man... chop-chop man... chop-chop man... chop-chop man... chop-chop man... chop-chop man...