Acupuncture

[Skit: Therapist, Therapist (v/o), Martin]
How do I say your name again?
Martin.
Right, Martin. Think the headaches have a lot to do with your posture at the computer. Can I just look at your tongue? Yes. Do you get cold fingertips?
Um, yes. Sometimes.
I’ll just take your pulse.
(slapping noise)
(Martin winces)
Your spleen is damp.
Mm.
Have you had acupuncture before?
It’s important for patients to relax fully before I start the treatment, otherwise it can be a bit distressing.
Okay, right. Let’s have you up on the table. Just put your wrist down by your side. You may feel a little tingle when I put this one in.
(hammer knocking through wood)
(Martin groans)
(flesh squelching)
The nails I use are between nine and fourteen inches long, and half an inch thick.
Okay, and now, two in your stomach.
(flesh squelching and bone cracking)
(wood knocking)
They must go through the body part, and at least two inches into the table, otherwise the patient will slide off when I prop them against the wall.
And the other one. Can you move your head at all?
Don’t want to.
Okay. Now, what I’m going to do, Martin, is prop you up on your board.
(clattering noises)
(Martin gasping)
Right. You might feel a little uncomfortable, ‘cause you’re taking the weight of your body on those nails through your arms.
Yep.
So, you might want to try and just push down a bit.
Yep.
Often, I’ll leave several patients together along the walls.
...half an hour.
They’re usually concentrating too much on themselves to notice anything else.
(multiple voices groaning and gasping)
Now Martin, I’m just gonna give your stomach nails a little tweak.
(Martin gasps in pain)
Can you feel that?
Yes.
This one?
(wood creaking)
(gasp)
Good.
(Unintelligible spluttering)
Sorry?
(Unintelligible spluttering)
Oh, Sarah’s fainted. Alright. Yeah. That’s quite normal.
(groaning)
Alright Sarah?
(slapping noises)
(Sarah cries out)
Just waking you up. Alright? There we are, alright? That’s it. Wakey-wakey!
I think the treatment is very successful.
Deep breaths, everyone!
I’ve never had a patient come back. We have difficulty getting some of them to leave. Under their own steam. We just have to leave them out the back. They’ve normally gone in the morning. Yeah.