Too Much Stuff

Verse 1:
It all started so innocently
With a gift for my birthday when I was just three
Someone got me my own Snoopy doll
Then Linus and Lucy, I had to have them all
I made it my mission to collect all the Peanuts
With Charlie Brown missing, it was driving me nuts
Collection complete, breathed a sigh of relief
But I had to have more. Charlie Brown: Oh, good grief!
Thirty years later, I can't stop acquiring
Retail therapy can be quite inspiring
I grab these great things, take them back to my place
And they occupy every last square inch of space
At flea markets you can find lawn ornaments
And at discount stores like "Everything's Nine Cents"
Eight seasons of "Wings", all on VHS?
At these prices, who wouldn't say yes? Napoleon Dynamite: YESSS!
At Goodwill I nicked Greatest Hits by Styx
At Garage sales you'll find so many great picks
Some secondhand trousers not worn since the eighties
Put 'em on and I'm like, 'Hey Ladies!'. Valley girl: Eww, grody!
I scour the junkyards, it gives me such pleasure
To dive in a dumpster and find a new treasure
Taking junk off the street to you might seem brash
All I say is "I love trash!" Oscar: Now scram!
It's a drag when people nag me about all the stuff I snag
And save but I still brag about my awesome swag
Like old 4-H ribbons, used license plate tags
And I keep them in packages, boxes, and bags!
I've saved everything that I've ever owned, and in my home
I have to move big piles around just to answer the phone
So because I never throw anything away
My life has become a George Carlin cliché!
Chorus 1:
I got TOO MUCH STUFF! I fail at file
I got TOO MUCH STUFF! And I have for a while
I say I don't have the time, but now you're calling my bluff
Cleaning up is a pain when you got TOO MUCH STUFF!
Verse 2:
The other day playing with a new prize
While sitting on some books on how to organize
A camera crew busted in and started to get ill
Led by Dr. Phil, who got all up in my grill
"Now Luke, we can see you're a compulsive hoarder
Who suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder
This goes way beyond being a clutterbug
You've got three feet of items beneath your throw rug!
Your chronic disorganization is a symptom-"
Yeah whatever, check out all my action figures of the Simpsons!
All lined up in order. Oh, don't you just love it?
I could recreate "300" and have them fight the Muppets!
Kermit: This is Sparta! Yaaay! "You need to reduce
The amount of possessions that you don't need or use
Like this box last decade's old phone bills from college."
Hey you never know, I still might need that knowledge!
"Your difficulty discarding has got to give
And your complex sorting strategy is too elaborative
You over-categorize in a cumbersome way."
And I was like, "Uh..." What the Hell did he say?!
"Before you run off to your next convention, pay attention
'cause this here is an intervention, and I should mention
That most think you're a lazy slob and it's the job
Of me and my mob to rob you of each last thingamabob."
Hey, you! Leave that all alone!
Do I take your grade school bowling trophies out of your home?
I know where everything is in my makeshift storage areas
Like keeping my federal tax returns inside these cat carriers. Cat: Meow!
It's all sentimental to me, it's meant to be
I consider my stuff the source of my identity
To be complete I gotta keep it, can't you all see?
I'm down with O.C.D.! Yeah you know me!
Chorus 2:
I got TOO MUCH STUFF! But I'm doing just fine
I got TOO MUCH STUFF! Don't touch that, it's mine!
Try to take it away, and things are gonna get rough
Cause I'll smack you if you try take my TOO MUCH STUFF!
Verse 3:
I'm a pack rat. I got vast stacks full of knick knacks
A hat rack with a Brak hat full of Apple Jacks
An anorak almanac from Iraq
And an original Masters of the Universe Attack Trak
Hey! Stand back! You can't have that! Are you wack?
Check my Cracker Jack flack jacket with a matching backpack
An 8-track of Love Shack sung by Jack Black
And a postcard… from my Uncle Travelin' Matt!
I'm a victim of my own creativity
I don't want to be wasteful, it's my responsibility
To the planet to be green, isn't it keen?
That's why I have broods of toilet paper tubes in my washing machine
Here's a box of old TV Guides
With variant Star Trek covers like Seven of Nine
Dax, and T'Pol with her hot pointy years!
"Have you even looked at these in the past five years?"
Well, NO, but at con dealer tables
I've seem 'em for sale as collector value-ables!
I'll put 'em on eBay, I'm sure that they'll sell
Oh God, maybe I do need help. Aaahhh…
Wait a smidge, what's this in the fridge?
Junk mail from A-1 Storage, ask for Midge?
Twenty trips in my car back and forth oughta do it
My stuff could all live in a new storage unit! Butthead: Uh-huh, UNIT
Plenty of spaces in several sizes
So I don't have to curb my acquiring vices
I can continue to live in denial for a monthly fee?
That's for me! I'm finally free! Ha ha ha haaaa!!!
Out of sight, out of mind, it won't happen again
Now I gotta hit Wal-Mart, it opens at ten
"Transformers 2" sucks more than you can all fathom
But the toys just came out AND I JUST GOTTA HAVE 'EM!
Starscream: PATHETIC FOOLS, THERE IS NO ESCAPE!
Chorus 3:
I got TOO MUCH STUFF! Empty boxes of Eggos!
I got TOO MUCH STUFF! All my childhood Legos!
If you give me some guff, I'll kick you out on your duff
Because I'll never have enough! I got TOO MUCH STUFF!
I got TOO MUCH STUFF! Rush concert bootlegs!
I got TOO MUCH STUFF! Ancient easter eggs!
You can huff and can puff, and you can act really gruff
If you don't like it, that's tough! I got TOO… MUCH… STUFF!
Outro:
The Junk Lady from "Labyrinth": Oh, what have we got here? Oh, your little bunny rabbit. You like your little bunny rabbit. Don't you? Yes! There's Betsy Bou! You remember Betsy Bou don't you? Yes. Oh, it's a pencil box. Got lots of pencils in it too, and, oh! Here's your panda slippers. You know how much you love your panda slippers. You never wanted them thrown away, did you? Oh, it's little Horsey. You love little Horsey, don't you dear? You got a printing game, you have! Oh, here's a treasure. Here's dear old Flopsy. You'll want her. Charlie Bear. Right. There's Charlie Bear for you…
(fade out, the end)